this blog is too long. and boring. you should wait till i write something lighter later.

i've had nothing to say.

i'll be too dramatic if i start to talk about my brand new 2006 toyota having a bizarre malfunction that left me driving two rental minivans while it was being repaired. and i'll probably start crying if i talk about the four suitcases i've been living out of for the past 6 weeks, and how my living situation fell apart after weeks of visiting madison's most expensive slum-lord owned apartments. i don't really want to talk about my credit card being MIA because that means i'll actually have to make another call to another company to fix another problem. and i don't want to even touch the fact that i've got bills to pay and no cent of income.

and yet ....

to be honest, i don't know how to pray about all this. i'm tired. i want someone else to find me a home for cheap, want someone else to recommend me for a job, want someone else to pack up my sofas and my bed and all my stuff in chicago and move it into a cute apartment with hardwood floors and windows that let sunlight in to settle on my family room. i want a home. i want to be settled.

i want to make dinner in my kitchen. i want to cry in my room and journal there for hours without freaking anybody out and asking me if i'm okay with that look in their eyes that suggests they think i might actually be a little bit crazy. i want to have friends over for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee or a brownie with ice cream.

i struggle with god these days a lot. i wonder what i'm doing wrong and if all this is punishment for sin. i wonder if i've made a huge mistake in moving out of chicago. i wonder if i shouldn't sell all my stuff and move to canada.

as i've been typing, three of my junior highers from this past week's missions trip in madison have instant messaged me. they don't know that they're preventing me from despair.

daniel, the oldest of our group of 7, has been online with me for over an hour already. we've talked about high school and camps and friends and how we can create a new IM abbreviation (i suggested "migsmhtdt" which means simply "man, i've got so much homework to do tonight" but all daniel responded with was "lol ... saves lots of time." oh well. i guess internet abbreviations are not my part of my innate gift set). i told him i was househunting. he said he'd pray for me.

i haven't talked about it yet because the week's been so busy, but madison missions might have been the highlight of my summer so far.

65 of us - junior highers and adult leaders - spent a week camped out at the church over night and traveled around madison during the day serving at NPOs like the boys' and girls' club and st. mary's senior care center and the CAC (the only free clothing store in all of dane county). my group was pretty tough the first night to a point where i broke down in jon's office and told him i suck at being with junior highers and i should probably just go home (wherever that might be).

and then the rest of the week happened.

man! i can't tell you how much i love being with kids. i love having them under my care for a week. i love traveling with them. i even fell in love with the toyota sienna minivan i got to drive for the week because it meant i got to cart a bunch of pre-teens around in my car and listen to their young conversations and hear them sing "my girl" at the top of their lungs.

i love camp. i love schedules. i love team-building. i love getting to spend time learning junior highers' senses of humor. i love praying for and with them.

that really doesn't leave me anywhere. these kids can't offer me a place to stay or send my resume along to anyone. and i don't think i'm any good at being in ministry professionally, so that's out. and i don't really want to be a teacher. i don't know what to be. or where to live. or what to do.

there's so summary on this one. i have no way to pull this all together. i'd pull out my favorite ecclesiastes verses, but i'm trying to really be positive - not just pessamistic with an attempt at positivity.

all i have left is "help me." but even that i don't know how to direct.

okay, i'm being dramatic. i know to whom i should direct it, but my level of expectation is so low, i don't know why i should even bother uttering the words, you know?

ugh, really, there is SO MUCH GOOD in my life right now. i got so many birthday greetings last week, and i love spending time with my sisters, and i love how i got to take a week out for madison missions, and i love that sara and joanna made me a paper mache peanut, and i love that jon took me to six flags for my birthday and i overcame my fear of the front row, and i love that laura and fermin took the day off to join us, and i loved seeing katherine sunday night, and i love that i feel like i've got a church family developing.

seriously. i guess the long and short is, tell me a story that gives me hope. or if you don't have one, give me a prettier prayer to pray than the one i've been using below. this one is starting to feel old ....

DIVINELY INTERVENE, GOD. FREAKING DIVINELY INTERVENE, PLEASE.