Monday, October 04, 2004

sweet sixteen

the evening is quiet at my quaint apartment. my gym-bound roommates have left me here to break a mental sweat, counting down the minutes till i head off to lincoln park's argo tea for a coffee with some girlfriends. i am savoring the silence, relishing just the click of the keyboard underneath my fingers.

no one knows i have this blog yet but erin, so i am reveling in the secrecy of my online expression. so i will tell a tale for all to read about a point in my life that left me overjoyed. grab a warm beverage and snuggle up for a story i hope you can feel ...

once upon a time, in a far away time (and told in the present tense because it's just better that way) ...

monday night, too late to be up, too giddy for sleeping ...

i unexpectedly find myself harboring feelings one might associate with a crush. i know nothing will come of it, but the sweetness of something so seemingly sixteen awoke senses i had thought fully dead. it was a tenderness my heart rejoiced to feel. it was as if god were more real in that moment than he has been all summer. i am one hundred percent sure it is completely unrequited - and yet, it doesn't matter. it's like the pure joy of feeling something i was positive could no longer exist is more than i could have ever asked for or imagined.

in time, i'll find that things go back to normal, that the butterflies will catch a new wind and float on to someone who will see those temporal teenager tickles turn into true love. because true love is not for me. not right now. i don't know what i would do with it. true love is sacred. and i feel incapable of doing any honor to it at this point. so, love, avoid me! i will not be any good to you. not yet.

i imagine - no, i hope - (and let me interject a warning here: what you are about to read is purely girlish fluff. it is of no use to the practical, the analytical, the sarcastic, or anyone hating love) that love isn't far off. i want the kind that i imagined could exist when i was a child, but progressively gave up on as i grew up. i want it in a way that's unique to me, that's designed by Him, that's desired by whomever is on the receiving end.

i don't know if it's possible. if it isn't, i'll learn. but for now, i'm just letting my fingers get pruny in the moment ...

2 Comments:

At 7:19 AM, Blogger erin said...

great stuff sista. keep on keepin on wit yo bad self.

 
At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"good writing is about telling the truth."

 

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