i am not veruca salt.

it is a remarkable thing how little patience i possess.

really, it's remarkable.

my pastor spoke today on james 3, focusing particularly on being cautious with our words - taming our tongues, if you will.

i should probably listen to this sermon every day, for i am quite apt at speaking my mind whensoever i please with little concern to how it may damage those especially close to me. i often mistakenly call this "honesty" but really, it's my lack of patience, my unwillingness to pause and consider what effect my words will have before i let them out.

like my pastor said, we're often most cruel to those closest to us, giving our best to strangers and guests instead.

i am so guilty.

i felt a litle like Veruca Salt there in church, like i had been caught twirling about in my little red dress with black buttons and a white collar folded outward, light-colored tights, and black, heeled shoes, and screaming "I want it now!" if this last month and a half of instability could be translated to the screen, i'll bet there could be a nice duet about laziness and greed sung by two carolers in the background (remember the singing guys in "there's something about mary"? that's what i'm thinking of ...).

fortunately, i didn't leave service feeling like i'd been tattooed as guilty and then discharged. i guess i felt like laughing. i'm 26 years old, and i behave like Veruca Salt. that is not okay. seriously, i haven't wanted to work for anything. i've just wanted it to be all figured out FOR me. and yet, God is so gracious in all this. i've not known to how to pray, except for "please, God, put it all together for me now ... " with a not-so-subtle mumbling under my breath "... my way. please do it my way. in my time. Amen."

what's awesome is that i don't feel like god looks at me as though i actually AM veruca salt. or that i am actually a 10-year-old little whiny girl. i know He knows all of this. i know that none of this is new. and did I find an apartment? yep. did i find a car that worked? yep. do i have enough money to survive for awhile yet? for sure.

so chris' message sticks with me. that i should be careful with my words. careful to thank god with my words, instead of checking off one thing and going to him immediately to complain about the next. God knows i'm not a little girl, and he doesn't treat me like one. Which I appreciate. he made me with a great brain and some pretty good talents, and with His spirit inside me, I'm not helpless.

and so despite all the similarities, i am not veruca salt. i'm an adult. i'm forgiven. i'm beloved. i can learn to be patient.