i wonder what it will look like when it's done.

i love a good thunderstorm. and the past few days in madison have been full of them. both yesterday morning and this morning i've sat in my cozy little family room drinking coffee and picking at my cinnamon-raisin bagel while watching the skies darken and lighting bolts shoot across the sky. my lamps are flickering a bit now, and my mind is searching its recesess to remember where i unpacked and put all my matches.

ben harper is good company on my itunes for this, but i'm tempted to retreat to the beach boys again. maybe it's just the stark contrast of happy beach boy music to this all-encompassing grayness, i don't know. regardless, i like the memories that "god only knows" conjure up.

it's hard to believe that it was over two years ago that i flew into miami and drove down to key largo for my friend liebe's wedding. there were only about 30 of us who spent 4 days together laying on the beach, sipping cocktails at the pool, and taking boat rides at sunset - all to the soundtrack of the beach boys' sounds of summer album. it was unforgettable.

on the day of their wedding, chris stood up at the edge of the water, squinting as he looked up at liebe descending the stairs to the rhythm of a steel drum. my feet dug into the sand and out again as i joyfully wiggled my toes in excitement for the two of them.

that night, we danced on the beach to caribbean-styled music, all of us with shoes off and drinks in hand - grandparents, aunts and uncles, moms and dads, all of us.

i loved those four days.

----

i haven't seen liebe in months. she moved out of chicago, too, and up to a suburb of milwaukee about a year after they were married. so we're both here in wisconsin now, both missing the windy city a little, i'm sure. it's incredible to me how quickly things can change. one day you're lounging at the pool with your boyfriend, and the next day you're married. one minute it's thunderstorming, and the next the skies are clearing and the humidity is retreating. one moment leads into the next into the next into the next. a chain of events - some things that you control, some things that are fully beyond you.

it's a marvel really.

i've always loved watching other people's lives play out, enjoying the small and big changes they celebrate or endure. it seems incredibly beautiful. i imagine what it looks like from god's perspective. what is he making of their lives? and what will it look like when they finish their run here? what story will it tell? i love dreaming of other people's stories.

i'm not so good with my own. but i'm making it my goal to try and be. i've limited my own freedom - moreover, i've limited God's freedom in my life. so here, you can help keep me accountable.

here are the things i want:
i want a job where i get to be with people, where i get to encourage them and help them discover their passions and help put them in a place where they're doing something that gives them energy.
i want to live financially responsibly, so i spend mula on things that make god smile.
i want to invest in the lives of young people, checking in on them, helping them make decisions, and provide a listening ear.
i want to let god have the first and best of me.
i want to be married and have children and invest myself in family life.
i want to be a good learner.
i want to be in agreement with the things god wants for my life.

okay. there they are. and i'm giving them back to god. i will make a mess of it if i go after those things on my own strength. i know i will. i have so far. so, okay, here on august 25th, i am breathing some freedom into my own life. i guess we'll just see where things go next.