it cannot rain forever.

i tried journaling this morning, but was not satisfied with the time it takes to write with pen. so now i'm trying blogging. forgive me if these thoughts are a jumbled mess. i don't know if i understand them yet either ...

i'm burdened to write, "when it rains, it pours" but something very little in me is fighting to quote an old chinese proverb: "it cannot rain forever."

deep within my heart, this is my ongoing struggle. should i be hopeful or hopeless? is there more reason to hope or more reason to despair?

i believe in resurrection, and i believe in eternal life. so i hope. but i am here right now on earth at this time, and i cannot figure out if there is sufficient reason to believe things will ever change if we are left only to human devices.

jon, our friend matt, and i went to see blood diamond last night. it was bloody, it was painful. i made it through hotel rwanda and invisible children without sinking to the floor of the theater, but this one just put me over the top. if you're able to overlook some of the poor writing ("in america, it's bling-bling, but here, it's bling-BANG"), this is another powerful and excruciating story from africa.

i hate writing this while i'm drinking my skim latte and looking across the street at quality townhomes built on manicured lawns in a quiet neighborhood. what am i doing? is this how i respond?

just last night before we watched the movie, i was retelling a conversation i'd had with a friend, highlighting complaints made by said friend that i felt displayed how misaligned his priorities were. it was the kind of conversation that bewilders me. but i can't point the finger at him alone; i'm guilty of removing myself from the realities of this world just as much as he is. what is wrong with us??

for better or worse, i empathize very deeply. and so i let this movie rock me. i feel like working so hard that i can buy the biggest plane there is and fly right down into any number of african countries and pick up as many hurting and scared and frightened people as i can and take them to safety. meanwhile, jon thinks about how we can start making forward-thinking choices right now that will be good for everyone. yes, i'm really happy that we didn't get a diamond engagement ring, and yes, i'm glad that we're not buying a house totally out of our budget so we'll owe a bank our lives, and yes, i'm pleased that we're planning our wedding wisely.

but god, it's not enough. please, come back soon.

a third friend of mine died two weeks ago, and another friend's husband has just asked her for a divorce, and i wonder, god, where are you in this?

if my life is not a radical demonstration of god's hands and feet in action, i do not want my life. i can come to no other conclusion than this.

give ear, o god, and hear; open your eyes and see the desolation of this world. we do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy. o lord, listen! o lord, forgive! o lord, hear and act! lord, it cannot rain forever.