58 days till madison.

it's been years since i've been running. okay, that's a lie. it's been months actually, but it's felt like years. i haven't been to the gym in eons and finally made the decision today to fax in my cancellation so i can save $44 a month. i hate cancelling my membership at the Y. when i called about it, i was suddenly struck by the guilt that i'm abandoning one of the last great community centers - pillars, if you will - of our city. but though the Y's receptionist voiced (as i sensed it) her appall at my lack of support for all the underprivelaged kids of chicago, one look at my visa statement told me i'd better stick to my guns.

i am a bad budgeter. in fact, i don't really have a budget to speak of. i more or less base my spending on what i'll call "vibes." do i feel i have enough money for this? do i feel like it's time to go out to dinner? if i buy $200 worth of swimsuits, i'll give $200 away. if i go out every night for a week with friends, i'll stay in every night the next week. you might call it my "ying yang" theory of spending.

what i need is for someone to set a budget for me and give me money in cash for the week and tell me what percentage is for food, clothing, what-have-you. but i'm getting off topic. i'm not going anywhere with budgeting today. let's back up. before i came home to my visa statement and the reality of paying for a gym membership i'm not using, i was out running. i was out running because i spent $200 on swimsuits (i'm returning the majority) that arrived at my house where i tried them on and discovered that i am in no way ready for a season of skimpy-bikini-wearing-barbie-packed beaches. and so i ran.

up bosworth, down grace, and all along ashland.

i love this city.

it's getting harder to imagine leaving. and even the joys of being in madison don't feel quite as alluring as they did months ago.

i'm not ready.

my alums want to know if i'm moving for a guy. that's what they want to hear. i tell them i would never move FOR a boy, but yes, my boyfriend is there.

but that's scary, too.

i think combined with having no job, no health insurance, no car, no place to live yet, the idea that my boyfriend is under no obligation to continue to love me is a little scary. and what if i hate madison? what if i miss the city and being free as a bird with my roommates? what if i take a job that i'm overqualified for? ...

i think this stuff tends to hit me right after j leaves. because it feels like, well, it's back to being alone. and that's the temptation for me. to believe that i'm alone. that you can't depend on people to stop by at your new house, to invite you out with them, to help you get a job, to come through if everything else falls apart.

it seems funny to me then that i should find myself reading nouwen's the way of the heart about the practice of solitude, silence and prayer. i don't know why i didn't pick up a book on the joys of church or about god's intended design for community. why solitude, silence, and prayer?

...

i have a guess. i won't tell you because i'm still mulling it over. all i'll say is that right now when i look at those three words typed out here, the voice in my head is saying, go. be alone. be silent. pray.