checkout line diagnosis

nearly two months ago, i returned from a long weekend up to madison on a monday night, and settled into work on tuesday morning. two hours into my day, my left cheek went numb and began to itch a bit.

the condition persisted, sending me back to my oral surgeon where i had had my wisdom teeth removed only a month earlier. oh, they told me, it's just a flare up because of that one tooth. here's some medicine. go away.

turns out that wasn't the reason.

so i visited a general practitioner. twice. and twice she looked at me dumbfounded, twice she flipped through her pocket-sized idiot's guide to skin diseases, twice she prescribed medicines for me that did absolutely nothing.

i went to russia like this, desperately trying to ignore the fact that every high school student, suitcases filled with prescription drugs ensuring that they'd never conceive of the reality of even a pimple, seemed to approach me like living neutrogena ads.

i made it through the week, confident that i'd visit a dermatologist soon enough with my doctor's referral and find a cure for whatever it was that had found a home on my face.

but because i have an hmo (hateful medical option), i'm required to jump through a series of hoops and other such obstacles with the agility and time commitment of a suburban teenager without summer employment (which i am not). between waiting for administrators to locate my lost referral and being put on hold while appointment-makers determine whether or not my condition is or is not life-threatening and, then, in fact, deserving of an appointment seven months away, i decided that self-diagnosis would be my best - and perhaps only - option.

it became increasingly more important to find an answer, since, after returning from russia, this "condition" chose to wage war on the rest of my body.

i was quite pleased then, as you might expect, to notice the national enquirer's top story a few weeks back while checking out at the grocery store:

it makes sense! it first came on at work. and it spread the second i started thinking about returning to work! though my symptoms aren't at all the same (freezing all the time - not cold, but blank and unresponsive, with an hourglass-shaped glint in the eye), it still makes sense that perhaps my computer is afflicted with some sort of virus and that i should cover its fans with handkerchiefs. The computing-specialist interviewed in the article maintains "it's not worth the risk. we can treat an infected machine with a little warmth from the motherboard. but if YOU'RE exposed, it's a one-way trip to reboot hill."

fortunately, i was at last able to get in to see a dermatologist on friday (after passive-agressively complaining to an appointment-maker that i'd happily take her earliest may 8th visit, if i didn't die before then. and yes, i did actually tell her that). he immediately recognized my condition as a skin allergy, so i was loaded down again with new medicines and told to go behave like a minimalist so we can figure out what detergent or dry-cleaners or shampoo or boyfriend i'm allergic to.

but that doesn't mean i still don't suspect my computer. after all, if the national enquirer is right that a hoarse throat - and not a wooden horse - was reponsible for the city of troy's downfall, then who i am to question their computer virus findings?