maybe i need more than a vacation

it's wednesday evening and i'm alone and a little bit tired. i slept restlessly last night and though i spent the whole 45-minute bus ride home trying to coach my bedraggled body into the idea of going for a run, i instead laid down for a nap as soon as i walked in my door.

of course, i can rarely nap. and tonight, i'm not sure if i did or not. my home phone rang a few times, alerting me to the the cramp in my leg from sleeping so fully on top of it, and finally woke me up when the answering machine allowed the caller to record a full minute of dial tone.

since i like waking up to light subtlely, i was pleased that at 6:00 pm i had just enough light in the house to find a matchbox without turning on a light. i lit half a dozen candles, made pasta and watched the last 15 minutes of friends.

my whole body feels tired. i think because my mind feels tired. my body is kind enough to sympathize. it's not like i have any real stress. i met with my boss for my review today and walked away glowing. i got great emails from some of my favorite constituents. we ate king cake in our office in honor of mardi gras. and the days are getting longer.

but stress is looming. honestly, i want to quit my job and be free for a little while. i just want to take a couple of months 0ff and let my head rest. i want to enjoy a summer.

really, why do schools give students the summer off? why? i don't see how that prepared me for the real world. i wasn't trained to be satisfied with a two-week vacation in the summer. why do people think is normal? why do people think our bodies were made to sit in front of computers all day long? why?

a coworker told me today how she's been feeling light-headed and dizzy at work lately. this is the longest office job she's held (nearly a year) and she says it feels so unnatural to her.

as well it should.

"i think i'm getting some sort of radiation-disease from staring at my computer screen so long," she tells me.

i nod in agreement. seven hours in front of that machine will probably be some sort of war torture in 100 years.

my dad says that you won't necessarily find a job that will make you happy. and few people do something they really love. well, i'll take that gamble. i'd like to be one of the few then. i know i get eternity, but i don't see why i have to accept the humdrum now.

makes me just want to look up at the sky and remind Him again that i'm game for anything.