Sunday, February 12, 2006

to be noticed

this evening, i concluded a weekend movie marathon with john curran's "we don't live here anymore." i'd been wanting to see it since catching the preview for it during each visit to see "before sunset" in the theatre.

the short story - as copied from the back of the dvd - is this: jack and terry. hank and edith. they're married couples and best friends with much in common. jack and hank are professors at cedar county college. terry and edith are stay-at-home moms. and jack and edith are secret lovers.

there's not much plot, so i don't feel i'm spoiling anything at all, but if you wish to remain entirely clueless, don't read on.

terry (played by laura dern) is the most remarkable role. throughout the film, her character was by far the most engaging, the most complex. and so it's surprising to me that it's edith's character that suddenly had me at the very end.

essentially, edith isn't fully desired. when she finally tells hank she's been having an affair, he admits that he's both happy and sad about it - happy that edith's felt loved and sad that it's now over between her and jack.

jack doesn't leave terry to be with edith, even though he's told terry he's in love with edith.

so there's edith. her husband doesn't have time, doesn't care to be with her, and her lover has chosen his wife.

her character feels so hollow that you can almost hear the words, "notice me!" echo from her insides.

so tonight, after mark and kat left, i took a long bath and thought about the 3 movies i'd just watched: casablanca, legends of the fall, and we don't live here anymore. so when i picked up the weight of glory again, i found the words of c.s. lewis again more weighty than i had even the first time.

we should hardly dare to ask that any notice be taken of ourselves. but we pine. the sense that in this universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, to bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret.

that is perhaps my greatest fear. that god will forget me. that he'll stop taking notice of me. that maybe i was better to him years ago, and there's not as much use for me now. that maybe he liked me better once upon a time, that - for as much as i do now - i can't go back and make up for the crap that's come between us. but to want to scream to him to notice me feels so wrong, so disrespectful, as though i don't understand he certainly has more important things on his plate than me. because i don't simply want him to look at me, i want him to walk with me, to talk with me, to hold my hand, to show me he wouldn't want to be without me. is that wrong? and yet i feel it.

that's all. i have no conclusions.

3 Comments:

At 8:18 PM, Blogger Jared said...

I hate my job. The only perk is that my office is on the top floor and all windows. There is a flock of about 20 birds keep residence on the rooftop on the buildings across the way. When I am feeling my most worthless and miserable I stare out the window and almost on cue the birds take flight and treat me to a display of formation flying.

They're just a bunch of mangy seagulls but I've come to think of them as my own. I'm sure that's more than a little wishful thinking, but they truly stir me.

What does any of this have to do with your post? I'm not really sure except this: While I used to think it was moment of beauty to calm and refresh me, now I see God saying "Remember me." Not a scolding, not a "Remember me and now do this." But a reminder that no matter how worthless or useless my mangy little life gets he's carrying me forward to the glory Lewis is talking about, and as much as I delight in the birds, he delights in me.

I'm still going to quit the job(first I'm going to shoot a few rolls of the airshow).

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger Mary said...

amen, jared. thanks for hearing me.

i read your comment early this morning and decided to "remember him" on my way to work. when i am dreading another day of work, i am thankful that i can at least appreciate the mornings. so i remembered him with the sun, with the way people smile back at my way-too-early-to-smile smile as i pass them on the street, with my love of public transportation, with my delight in the honduran coffee in my alterra mug, with al green singing "love and happiness" in my headphones, all that.

on this hallmark-designated day of love, i appreciate delighting in the One who makes my heart most full. and i like remembering that he delights in me too. that's the best part.

(oh, btw, i saw this in the paper this morning, and thought of you - you probably already know about the chicago underground film festival, but thought i'd pass it on all the same)

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger ericj. said...

mary,

funny you talk about acknowledgement because that was a major topic of mine this past weekend.

i ended up going to this biz referral thingy and one of the speakers is an expert on referral marketing. anyway, he also specializes in employee retention. his pay structure is actually based on the percentage of retention at the end of a said period.

anyway, long story.. but the whole point to employee retention is not about the best chairs or enviorment or video games in the breakroom, but... acknowledgement!

his biz retention seminar has quoted to save over a dozen marriages because of the importance of that.

so, i acknowledge that you are a very good friend and i really appreciate that you honor me as your friend.

p.s. just think, God is the inventor of acknowledgement.

 

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