le matin

i know it's largely due to the coffee running through my veins at 80 mph, but i am so grateful for this moment. i wish i could wrap my arms around everything.

it started this morning with abby. we met at 7:15 am, which meant that i had to get out of bed at 6 am, which is a glorious time to wake up when it's sunny. i love the el in the morning. and i love the pace at which i walk when it's so chilly you must walk fast, but so sunny that you slow down just enough to enjoy the warmth of those sunbeams.

our conversation revolved around two particular themes - ideas of womanhood and struggles with trust. i spoke on my love of being single in the city, of drinking $3 chocolate martinis with my roommates whenever i feel like it, of shopping only to satisfy my needs and wants, of long conversations with girlfriends that aren't restrained by other demands on my time.

what a glorious thing, to be totally free! to feel like you can do anything! to indulge yourself!

abby suggested that perhaps i enjoy some of this more now because i'm in a relationship. because there's a safety net of someone loving me. instead of drinking martinis with my girlfriends and eyeing the men at the bar, wondering what it would be like to date any of them, i can more fully enjoy my friends and their stories, knowing that i can come home and call jon and feel totally loved and desired.

and then she suggested that perhaps i'm loving the other stuff more now than before because i fear it being taken away - that being in a relationship forces me to concede that perhaps the rest of my life won't be spent making ME happy, and i've done a good job of making that a focal point of my life for the past few years.

she is so right on.

yes, i have trust issues. i'm confident trusting in myself. because i can live with disappointing me. but i fear others disappointing me. i don't want to be upset with them. and if you can give enough distance between you and the people you love most, then you can admire them from afar and love them dearly without letting them close enough to hurt you, which would make you disappointed in them.

and so it is with me and god. i wrestle a lot with him. in the very center of my heart, i am full of love for him. and i want him to have my undivided heart. i know that he is my soul's satisfaction. but what is missing between me and him? is it because i've felt let down or misled by him before? maybe that's it. i still can't quite figure it out.

even without the answer yet, what made the morning extra good was having abby alongside me, saying that she understands. that she feels it too. and that together, we are gonna learn how to be the women both we and god want us to be. to know that we were made with wild personalities, to understand that we are loved just as we are, but to know that there's something more. that at some point in our lives, we encountered a truly living and active god and we cannot be the same.

what does it mean to be a woman after god's own heart? what does it mean to be abby after god's own heart? what does it look like to be mary after god's own heart? what does it look like to be YOU after god's own heart?

i know somewhere in there, it looks like me trusting god (so, god, consider me intent on learning what it means to actively trust you). i know somewhere in there, it looks like me considering others before myself (so, god, consider me intent on learning how to spend my time and my money to love other people). i know somewhere in there, it looks like learning about god (oooh. i think this means humility. so, god, i don't know how else to ask this, but please give me a teachable spirit).

i love being able to share like this with a close friend. how can you not enjoy a morning of coffee-drinking and soul-connecting?

and the last thing, which was the icing on the cake ...

so starbucks (i know, so sue me) was giving away free coffee this morning from 10-12. i mentioned it to my coworkers and ALL of us (yes, even my boss who never goes) responded to my invite to join me on a walk across the street. i don't even care about the free coffee, but to have all of us walk over together in the sunlight, talking and laughing together? lord, yes. that was like the best feeling of family i've had in so long.

it almost made me forget about the rash remnants of my wisdom-tooth debaucle :)

seriously. it was a good morning.