lessons of vanity, patience, and how to wear a baseball hat just right

this is the last morning of my sudden 4-day vacation spree. i woke up at 6:45 a.m. to the sound of my roommate grinding coffee beans and then talked myself into imitating sleeping poses for the next 2 hours until i finally had to roll off the couch to turn off my other roommate's alarm clock (she had to step outside to move her car for the street cleaners).

it's gray and rainy here today, so i've elected to shower and then get back into my sweats so i can curl up with a movie later. only the hail on the air conditioning unit reminds me that there's a world outside.

i'm on vacation because i've been stressed out. my boss announced to everyone on monday that i'm resigning my position at the end of june. perhaps that's enough of a stressor, but i think it's really this rash that's aiming to take the best of me.

after i visited with a dermatologist two weeks ago, i was fairly content with his declaration that my "skin allergy" would be easily treated in a few short days by trading in everything i own for more "natural" products. after two weeks of fragrance- and dye-free soaps, detergents, shampoos, lotions, what-have-you, and the combination of two oral antibiotics and a topical cream, i was disappointed (to say the least) that the condition seemed only to get worse.

so i visited dr. memar again. it's not getting any better, is it? he asked. he stared at me dumbfounded, and then told me he'd write me a referral to visit his old professor at UIC.

i don't know if you've ever been looked at so strangely, so quizzically, so objectively, but it sucks. plain and simple. he left me with the nurse, whose sympathy was rather pitiful (when i explained that the rash was not just on my face, but on my shoulders, arms and back as well, she sighed, and said, "oh, and with the weather getting so warm, you won't be able to wear all those cute tank tops." i looked at her blankly. and then stifled my urge to strangle her). once she left me, i made the call over to UIC, and spent half an hour being connected and re-connected and transferred and re-transferred (i hate HMOs. i've said it before, but i'll say it again, i hate HMOs). the appointment ladies told me i could have their earliest may 8th appointment.

so i cried. i cried and i cried. and then the lady told me she'd recheck her schedule, and oh! lo and behold, they have an appointment available for me this thursday.

it doesn't change much to be waiting and waiting for answers you hope that someone will have. i spent my friday afternoon in the office crying every half hour. i haven't felt my real skin in a month. it's kind of like i'm not even looking at me.

i bought a bottle of wine and a pint of ice cream that night. i figured if anyone had a right to it, i did.

i talked to my friend adam that night as well, and explained my situation. i told him all the things i had tried: cheer free detergent, aveeno baby shampoo, cetaphil skin cleanser, neutrogena make-up, dove unscented soap, not drinking coffee, not sleeping in my own bed, you name it. i had even confessed every sin i could possibly think of in hopes that maybe god was just trying to get me to apologize and repent for something.

"if he wants me to learn a lesson on vanity, i've got it!" i told adam. "i've got a freaking rash all over me and i feel like i'm 13 and i'm embarrassed and i STILL HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE. i've got it. no time for vanity. what else do i need to learn?!?!"

adam didn't know. but he suggested that i keep praying through it, ask god what else he could teach me through this.

i argued.

"no, you do not understand. i GOT vanity." i sighed heavily. "lord, if there's anything else, maybe it's patience."

maybe it's patience.

i don't know if people are afflicted just because god wants to teach a lesson. i mean, why couldn't i be offered an incredible world traveling vacation in the year 2010 and have to learn patience as i wait for that? or if it is vanity, why not a couple zits at the end of my nose? at least there's an end to that, at least there's a known cause and proper treatment. the not knowing is killing me. and the wait, as i go about my life and have to pretend i feel good about myself, is killing me.

and still, life goes on.

yesterday was gorgeous. and even for as awful as i felt, i was determined to take advantage of it. i dug out an old baseball cap from the gap, one that i think i bought in high school because it was in a sale bin for something like $2. i wore it low to sufficiently cover as much of my face as possible. i'm not a baseball cap kind of girl, but i'm getting good at wearing it. i feel like it's losing its original hold and better adjusting to my head.

i sat outside with my neighbor lucas all day long. and then we grilled out with the other neighbors in our apartment. we ate steaks and brats, drank a couple of beers, and talked about cinematography, a recent prairie dog hunting adventure, and why so many of us are leaving chicago.

when i got back in last night, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror with my baseball cap snugly fit on my head. i smiled because i looked cute. maybe this is the lesson. i am a baseball cap kind of girl after all.

(but lord, if you're reading this, i'd still like the rash to go away. just in case you thought i'd be fine with wearing baseball caps the rest of my life. really, i'd still like it to go away. thanks)