doing the job

i love my job. 4 months ago, i wouldn't have told you that. i would have said that i used to love my job, but it had since become quite tiresome and often emotionally draining. i would have told you that of cnn's "top ten reasons you're burnt out" i could identify with all but one.

in the past month, it's changed. i've gotten busy. in a good way. and it culminated tonight at our alumni cocktail party. just under 200 alumni showed up to this 2 hour cocktail event. some of them i've known only via e-mail or telephone; others have been volunteers for years before i ever arrived on the scene. up until the last minute, at 5:29 pm before anyone arrives, i am thinking, "i can't do this. i have to quit. i'm not capable, no one will show up, i'll be proven as i am - an absolute disaster."

and then 5:30. my volunteers arrive. no one else. i panic. this is my third year putting on the same cocktail event and i'm still nervous i'll be an utter failure.

somewhere between 5:30 and 7:30, the event is pulled off. people are laughing, drinking, reminiscing, meeting, sharing - and i am watching them. i am watching them, i am introducing them, i am smiling with them as they tell their stories, i am laughing hard at their jokes that wouldn't be as funny without wine, i am engaging them in conversation, i am locking in my memory the things that i love about them.

no, i don't often remember who they work for or who they know, but i remember little details. they way carey says certain words, the way johanes tilts his head when he laughs, the way sally moves her eyes to always show she's following along with me, the way jerry watches me with pride that i am so young in such a job, the way andrea hugs me before she goes and ryan kisses my cheek to tell me i did a good job. it's when two people meet, separated in age by 20+ years and they find something in common to spark new conversation.

i love my job. i love it because it's just people. there are so many. i email them all the time. i hear about them from teachers. they are characters. and then they meet me and finally know my face. and i meet them and they come off the yearbook page and start breathing. it's incredible.

i don't know why god picked me for this job. i don't know why he made me like i am. but i'm glad for it. i feel thankful that god cared enough to design me in such a particular way. i feel thankful that i know it. i feel thankful that even in my rejection of Him, the times that i've been annoyed, He still continues to work. He doesn't give up on me.

i often question why i'm here. why chicago? why this job? but to tell you the truth, i know i'm here for something. and i'm not afraid anymore that i'll not know.

this is a serious post, and i didn't really intend it to be so. i thought of a couple humorous things today at work i supposed would tantalize my audience - my twilight zone work experience, my talk with illinois' attorney general (and latin alumna), my "talking-to" from the "sweet-woman-i'll-hit-on-you-till-you-break-and-date-me-oh-wait-you're-turning-me-down-fine-whatever-that's-cool-cause-now-i'll-treat-you-like-i'm-too-good-for-you-and-be-a-lazy-punk-ass-when-you-seriously-need-help-the-night-of-your-big-event" facilities guy, and oh-so-many other stories. but alas, it is 10:12 pm and i have to go to bed. my day starts tomorrow at 6:30 a.m. and my feet hate me for wearing heels all day (but man, did i look powerful).

good night.

hope you go to sleep knowing why you're here. it's nice.