this heart god made

j and i have done this before, this no-communication stuff, so it's not like i'm panicking about how to do it now. actually, the day after we decided to start dating (that's a good story for another day), he left cell phone range for a few days to go camping with friends. since then, he's been in honduras for a week and i've been in russia, so being totally disconnected from each other is really nothing new.

none the less, i miss him.

when j went to honduras in january, it was especially difficult since we had spent nearly a full week day in and day out with each other up until his plane took him out of chicago's gray, cloud-covered skies and in to the clear, sun-drenched honduran heavens (j says that if i went to honduras, i might not use the word "heaven" in any context having to do with said country. until then, as with most things i have yet to experience, i'll romanticize it a bit longer to give it the benefit of the doubt).

shelly listened to me whine on the phone soon after he left, advising me to write him a letter for each day he was gone so i'd feel like i had shared with him all i'd wanted to while he was away. i wrote about my job, about my roommates, about a 60 minutes episode i watched, about missing him, about god, about whatever my pen felt so inclined to ink on the page.

the only thing that topped my excitement about giving him that letter was when he pulled out a letter of his own to give me. that was awesome. and as words are my love language, there is little more that i appreciate than a detailed letter. it's even better than e-mail. it seems personal. it seems deliberate. and as i understand it, i'll those words just decode to mean "i love you."

it's really something else to one day realize how much you've grown to love a person. whether you're dating them or working with them or talking with them at church, you one day find that they've lodged themselves so deep in your heart that life without them seems bland and lacking.

just today i got an email from jon's sister, sara, who detailed for me a paper she recently wrote for her women & religion class, a formal dance she attended, and her decision to focus on middle school ministry. i smiled the entire time i read it, thrilled to be learning so much about her life. before she left for south africa (see her blog here), i'd hung out with sara a whopping total of three times. but we've been e-mailing pretty regularly, and as i read her note today, i realized that one of the reasons i'm most excited to move to madison this summer is that she'll be close.

they sneak in there, you know?

i work with a student, michael, who, when i first met him, managed to quickly get under my skin, rather than in my heart. he was already 40 at 16, referring to his peers as "the kids" when he talked with me about the day's schedule of events. he walked as though auditioning for a posture award, his hair neatly parted on his flushed, round face, which blushed a deep shade of crimson whenever he felt frustrated by the group's childishness.

he reminded me of the 10-year-old boy who once "helped" me lead a vacation bible school the summer after my senior year of high school. i can't remember his name now, which is surprising considering how many times i had to yell it during that week (as in "[insert name here]! please do not swing patty around so quickly! she's going to puke again if you keep flailing her about!"). of course, i failed to realize that 10-year-old boys, just because they're 6 years older than the group they're "helping," aren't necessarily any more mature. it seems 10-year-old boys want to assume responsibility in so much as it means getting to be "in charge." i had the rather unfortunate experience of discovering that this meant an increased work load for me, having to train myself to keep a more careful eye on my one 10-year-old than on the twelve 4-year-olds.

and that's how i felt about mr. michael. he bothered me. on our first school trip together, he managed to stay ahead of the group with me the whole time, going over again and again the routes we should take in order to most effectively navigate the subway system to arrive at our destination in good time.

annoying.

fast forward to yesterday afternoon, over two years later. school's been let out for the day, and a few students are gabbing with each other in the hallways, the girls with their skirts too short, and the boys sitting on the benches, leaning their backs against the wall in the same gangsta style pose assumed by nearly every senior boy when he wishes to be perceived as thuggish and manly.

i was walking up to the second floor slowly, letting the sun embrace and warm me through the window panes, when i saw michael walk into mrs. patrick's office just a few feet ahead of me. as i walked by, i heard michael's laugh (it's his man-giggle that gives away his true age) and felt my heart warm when he spotted me in the hallway and gave a wave.

i've gone on numerous school trips with this kid, been with him as he's been recognized for his academic achievements, listened to him nervously speak on any number of world issues, eavesdropped on his ever-slowly maturing jokes, and seen him get nervous when one girl in particular walks in the room.

he's a smart, witty, dork. he's a middle-aged 18-year-old. and i love him.

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when i think about how capable the heart is of loving, i feel overwhelmed with gratitude that god would make our hearts as stretchy and elastic as they are. it's something incredible when you think your heart is in a comfortable place, that you're giving love to someone here, someone there, that you've finally figured out how you can manage all your love, and then when you've finally tucked everyone in under their little quilts of love, kissed and hugged them, you turn around to find someone else has moved in. and surprisingly, you happen to have an extra quilt on hand, and you see the room has suddenly expanded to allow for this new person. sometimes, it seems like a whole busload shows up at your door and - not even asking for room and board - they make their home in your heart. and STILL, still there is more than enough for them.

this heart god made, one for each of us, is the kind of invention that should win honors. he blows me away.