is this a (insert problem here) i see before me?
sunday night, i went to bed with this ill feeling in my stomach. not the kind that portends nausea or sudden vomiting, but the kind that makes you think your whole world is going to fall apart in a matter of minutes.
i wondered if it was because i had really wanted to go to church on sunday, but didn't. i know what you're thinking, and no, it wasn't guilt-induced stomach trauma. i think i just felt like i should have been there. alas. there's no taking back sunday. so i prayed about it and let coldplay lull me into a nice slumber.
but monday morning came and i woke up feeling nervous. that same feeling i used to get in junior high and early high school when i thought about the concept of time - how it can go too fast, how no one here is really in control of much at all, how one day you're young and the next day you're old, and how can the world just keep spinning like this?!?!? ahh, but i couldn't identify exactly what it was that was making me feel so sick this time around. i listened to wilco on the way to work and let them sing me to distraction.
yesterday afternoon, kat and i went for a power walk up along lake shore path to the skate park (i know, i know, i was just there on sunday afternoon. but you know me, i binge on everything in life. i'll probably be there today, too, and maybe for the next week, but then i won't show my face there for a month ... until the cycle starts up again. who can explain it?) and enjoyed the spring temps. by the time we made it back to the house, it was dark and the ncaa championship game was about to get underway. i did my laundry, cleaned my room, watched the game, put my pjs on and BAM. the feeling hit me again. nausea. things not right. something felt out of place.
so i prayed. and i journaled quick (i was tired!) and i told god that i really couldn't handle this and i just wanted to go to sleep.
fine. easily done. sound sleep. but wild dreams. which woke me up with that same sick feeling again. i don't get it. what is my deal? it's like a fear/anxiety/confusion/nausea that only comes late at night and early in the morning. right now, i feel fine. but i had to post it to analyze it. it helps if i can see it written out. i feel like macbeth: "is this a dagger i see before me?" yes, of course. duh. but sometimes you really have to separate yourself from the thing to see it better.
step one: identify what the crap is making me ill at ease.
step two: respond appropriately.
step three: wake up from sleep like girl in folgers commercial.
step four: drink coffee and enjoy nausea-less day.
posted by Mary @ 6:26 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
There seems to be a vicious virus of unknowing and confusion of self moving through the world right now. I hope you figure out what is nagging you. Keep praying and seeking. I hope all turns out well for you , Mary. You'll be in my prayers.
yesterday, i was on my way out of the building where I work and the smell of some kind of cleaner hit me like a Mack truck. The scent reminded me of long days spent sitting in the hospital with my dad, waiting for him to wake up or move or something...and I felt so sick I practically ran screaming from the building. Even now, the thought of it is making my stomach churn.
All this to say, that almost anything can trigger uneasiness...a smell, a dream, a memory. I hope you figure out this mystery.
Well, you see, there's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter becomes a cackle... and I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.
-Troy
hmm, jen. i hear that. there's this smell - of an old bath & body works vanilla chapstick that came in a mint green case - that will forever remind me of the fall of senior year, my basement, driving with my friend shelly, and italian food.
mmm, i can almost create the smell just thinking of it. incredible.
speaking of smells, the smell of febreeze makes me want to puke. long story, but when sprayed, i instantly smell roadkill with maggots crawling around. please remember never to spray that nasty spray around me.
Okay Mary. No doubt you are going to receive 101 well meaning comments diagnosing your (problem) so let me add my 2 cents worth.
Firstly- you are lactose intolerant and yet you refuse to comply with what that means. No McDonalds ice cream, okay! No more. You're done.
Secondly- Nutella and Goldfish for supper is not okay.
Thirdly- Jumping jitters. It truly is scary being at the top of the high diving board of change. Knocking knees and second thoughts. Everything below is so small. It’s so much higher than it looked from down there. Every fiber of you says don’t jump. But jump you must. You’ve realized you can’t climb down; you don’t want to climb down. Courage and confidence say you must jump….....and you will.
uh, mac dad'll make you jump, jump, uh daddy mac'll make you jump, jump, uh criss cross'll make you jump, jump ...
Post a Comment
<< Home