seven hours on sunday
i spent the afternoon with a friend at cafe avanti on southport. we sat for a few hours over just one cup of coffee, trying to make sense of the mess of life.
it felt cathartic to share, to hear and be heard. i was surprised to be brought to tears a couple of times, embarrassed that i couldn't keep it together in front of this person that i, in all reality, don't know very well. still, in his kindness, he attempted to refute my claim that i am indeed the most f*&^ed up person i know; in turn, i had to also refuse his candidacy to claim the title himself.
here's how i feel. a big part of me is screaming that i should run for my life, run away to venezuela or argentina or uruguay, purchase a hut in the middle of a small village, learn how to live among a group of strangers, and write about the necessity of solitude and asceticism in the 21st century.
and then a part of me says, suck it up, mary. what you have is good. my friend said that his pastor referred to these good moments as "tokens of affection" (i hope i'm getting that right. but my friend doesn't read blogs, so i suppose whatever i say he said is true for the sake of the story). but i still feel lonely, still feel like i just want God, still feel like i'm looking at a plastic happy-face jesus who's giving me presents which i tearfully receive, knowing i am not nearly thankful enough, but hoping maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe at some point He'll come out from behind the curtain and heal my broken heart, tell me He isn't really angry with me, tell me He loves me for real, no jokes, and that He wants to work with me in my life, tell me He really does forgive me, that He's not gonna make me live a life that's half-ass, tell me He's gonna surprise me with really good things, and even though this might make me totally selfish and might break my hip a la jacob, He might, might, might just bless me indeed.
god!!! at least let me touch You!
... (deep breath) ...
we stopped at borders afterwards and i purchased way too many books for someone who received a credit card bill twice the size of her bill last month. i haven't even finished empire falls yet (though i am eager to do so), but felt too weak to resist henri nouwen (the way of the heart, the return of the prodigal son, and a compilation of his unpublished writings) and c.s. lewis (a grief observed and the weight of glory).
i need to know things. wish me luck.
posted by Mary @ 4:06 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
i don't know how to respond to this entry, but i think, in some small way, i know a little bit of what you are talking about. kara and i had one of those talks last night. we seem to continually stumble upon the question, "does any of this really matter?" i feel like i am constantly tossed back and forth between "let's run away" and the "let's find simplicity and contentment where we are." Does that make sense? i told kara last night that my biggest fear at the moment is that God wants us to stay here forever and learn contentment. i know that's a stupid fear, but...oh, wait, this isn't my blog. i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone...
Mary, if there is any doubt that you have a messed up life, I guess my ramblings upon my own pathetic existence haven't quite gotten to you. Next time we hang out I'll fill you in because I know with your selective memory you've forgotten the details.
I definitely have a messed up life, I think everyone does. Can you anyone really name anyone who is living like what we think of as a "perfect" life before God? I think our thinking that if we ran away to become nuns, monks or missionaries for God is just a piece of Christian culture that's a little twisted, like somehow you can life a more important and valuable life somewhere else doing something else. I think there is an intense struggle between that "let's run away" side and the "content where we are" camp, which makes me think, there is no one answer here, we just have to keep walking, accept that life is confusing and unclear, and live it. If there were an easy answer, wouldn't we have already found it?
Hi Mary,
It's wierd - my wanting to run away feeling is to run in my own country - find a cottage on the beach - paint paintings, take pictures, make fires, be alone and not be hurt by loving people and wanting their love in return. It's crazy though - the best and deepest feeling of happiness is in loving people and being loved. Most importantly knowing and loving God - and I so know the feeling of wondering what exactly God thinks of me - is he happy with me? Would he tell me all of the wrong I see in myself? Would he tell me he loves me?
I am going to the poor place, to the place of finding out about the wrongs in this life, it'll be Albania and 3 years of researching kids at risk in the country. I will be excited - but right now it just feels like a Jordan River to cross and my running away would be hiding from going away - and being wrapped up warm in safety, but even there, even staying here I have plenty to run away from in myself. Gosh - being alive is so dynamic!! I'm encouraged by the thoughts you have had - and that's well exciting to have those cool books. I thought a great present for someone would be the entire works of C S Lewis.
Hope some of this makes sense! It's good to say things - and to hear that others find themselves in the same place somehow.
I'm glad Jesus loves us. Don't understand how - but I got to believe it!
Bye Mary!
Beth
mary -
the comment of your blog that made me want to write was you saying, "God, at least let me touch you." at church yesterday, my pastor talked about Exodus 30... (in the 30's somewhere) when Moses and God are chatting (jealous anyone else?) in a cloud in his tent and Moses asks to see God's glory. God lovingly says, you cannot handle that, but come with me to the mountain and i will put my hand over you as i pass and you can gaze upon my back.
how good is God that God lovingly smiles upon us when we ask to see/touch/experience God's presence? i am sure you will be answered... though not to your full liking until that beautiful day up above.
love you. shell
thanks guys. i appreciate you struggling alongside me.
yeah. i really really really appreciate that.
thanks.
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