Monday, January 02, 2006

why he makes my heart so full

i'm surprised at how full my heart feels right now. after the last of my new years guests left this morning, i expected a rather sudden shift of emotion south, but instead i'm here, basking in the white christmas lights strung all over my home, each ivory candle lit, a bouquet of yellow daisies in the middle of the table (sent to my poor, sick roommate kat to lift her spirits), and laura's 2005 mix cd in my speakers.

i am missing everyone, but am so happily savoring the moments of the past few days in detail tonight, closing my eyes and remembering the things i moved too quickly through in the last week.

christmas thrills seemed lacking this year, though i admit i didn't miss the hoopla much. i worked right up till christmas eve and barely made the gift-giving deadline for my own family (and yes, i'm still delayed in giving presents to some folks). december was a hard month for me in many ways, and i think my energy was so focused there that i had little left over for running through shopping malls or fighting the crowds on michigan avenue or sitting in front of a computer screen surfing for the "right" (i.e. last minute, this-will-have-to-do) presents.

i think christmas shopping annoys me the same way january at the gym bothers me. EVERYONE is there. i don't mind shopping; i just like it when there aren't as many people so you can people-watch peacefully without fearing you'll be blindsided by overzealous parents bent on scooping up anything, anything, to satisfy their children's need to compete with friends once school resumes in january. but i digress ....

this holiday wasn't accented by ornament-hanging or caroling or any sort of high school reunioning; there weren't any touching moments at manger scenes or any new revelations about the birth of the baby jesus.

but, oh! if you could have had this - cooking salmon for your family, eating dinner with adam go, visiting jon's family for an afternoon, spending time with jon and josh watching anne of green gables (thanks for indulging me, guys), grocery shopping for the new years soiree with laura, hearing shelly call me back to say that yes, she and mark and jonathan were coming to chicago, seeing and talking with the finesilvers, laughing at how funny jenny is, enjoying the haberls' sweet and easy company, spending real quality time with my boyfriend who i love steadily more every day, eating pancakes with erin, sarah and chris, waking up to thunderstorms this morning, understanding that god is sweet in his gift-giving ...

yes, i love that god became man in jesus. and i celebrate that. i love that he talked with people and walked with people. i love that he actually was here in flesh.

but i think the best thing as i think about it tonight is the holy spirit left with us like a gift. more real than my memories of friends playing games on new years and then dancing to my ipod's running mix after the ball dropped. more real than even the little things they left behind when they got in the car to drive back to minneapolis, madison or milwaukee.

more real is this holy spirit that keeps me company in the quiet of my home tonight. his presence so real i think my heart could burst as i relate all this to him. he is good company. because for all my excitement and joy over my friends, he feels it even more. and in telling him of all my joy, it almost feels like his presence swells in me, delighted that i caught just a bit of what it is about them that HE loves so much.

i think He is what is making my quiet home tonight so warm. and yeah, i think He is what is making my nervous heart tonight so abundantly full.

4 Comments:

At 6:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sounds like a blessed christmas. although you should be aware that jon does not "indulge" people with anne of green gables. he feigns indulgence while satisfying a deep and disturbing love of all things anne. I hope the peace of his spirt is the hallmark of your new year.

 
At 4:42 AM, Blogger beth smith said...

Happy New Year! Love the warmth that is felt in the Holy Spirit and in the love of friendship and beatiful things. Times can be so sweet. The best is Him though - of everything and in everything. Awesome you felt it so well. By the way - a really lovely film to watch - it's a kids film, and very english, but just so nice - is "Danny Champion of the World" by Rohl Dahl. Think you'd like it!
Bye, Beth

 
At 1:05 AM, Blogger Teresa said...

Oh I absolutely LOVE Anne (with an e) of Green Gables! I used to wish that people called me "carrots" when I was little, just so I could pretend that I related to Anne and that I hated it just as much as her....i never had a nick-name at all actually. and was always a little bummed about it. :-)

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger Mary said...

well, jared, that explains a lot. i thought it a bit odd that jon knew all of tennyson's "lady of shalott" by heart ...

and beth, i'm definitely renting that movie next time i'm at the store. thanks for the suggestion!

teresa, i'll do my best to start thinking of nicknames for you. but i say you should make up your own before someone else does for you ... that's how my dad gave me "mary monkeyshells" (my middle name is michelle) ...

 

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