the truth

i've been working from home today, aware that if i actually went in, i'd get half of what i could get done had i just stayed put in my pajamas this morning.

i work well in the mornings; afternoons, nope.

around 4:00, i pulled out c.s. lewis' the weight of glory. i'm only into the second page of that essay, because my mind is still back in walter hooper's introduction.

i know it's obvious that i haven't been myself lately. i've spent the past two weeks in deep thought, crying too much, and yet trying to assert to everyone that i really don't care about anything anymore.

yesterday, i thought i'd try to kick myself out of it. kind of just ignore it for awhile. i've written myself emails and notes and begun so many blogs i finish, but quickly erase. perhaps it's too much of the slow stuff from sufjan stevens or hem or over the rhine. but do i play them purposefully to indulge my mood? or are they bringing me down?

i think i may have an easier time existing in a place of unhappiness. walter hooper writes in his introduction to lewis' essays, "having done the best we can to perform whatever god demands, should we not at least enjoy the good he sends us? willing ourselves to be 'perpetually solemn' when there is no reason for it seems to me not only a rejection of the happiness we could have on earth, but also to jeopardize our capacity to enjoy it in the future when every possible reason for unhappiness has been finally swept away."

god, make my heart light. help me to feel how you feel. to feel angry when you are angry, but to love when you love; to feel gracious when you are gracious, and to be peaceful when you are peaceful.

god, i confess that i don't know what's true to feel. i need you to step in and help me feel rightly. i trust you know me better than i know myself. can you figure me out and help me get out of the mess i've made in my heart? help me love you more than i love myself.

help me believe.