Saturday, June 03, 2006

I'll Post Something Good Soon.

During the winter, I'd consider waking up naturally anytime before 8:30 to be a curse. In the summer, however, it's quite a different story.

While I'm sure my rousing at a quarter to 7 this morning had more to do with the noise Kat was making as she pulled her things together and lugged her suitcase downstairs to the cab waiting below to shuttle her off to the airport, I felt rather delighted to be awakened so early. Not only did it allow me to escape the awful dream I had been having, but it gave me the opportunity to rejoice over the sunlight pouring through my bedroom windows and acknowledge that - here in my city apartment, with the sounds of passing cars and fire engines competing with the calls of birds and children - creation is indeed good.

I do love mornings - especially quiet mornings like this one. I often wish I had a east-facing porch where I could bring my toast and coffee and book and breathe deeply for awhile, stretch my back and my legs, and be thankful. I imagine everyone else in my house slowly filtering out as they please. No one in any rush.

I don't know how often that happens when you have a family. What with games and playdates and picking girls up from sleepovers and running errands to pick up eggs and milk ... I understand that life gets busy. I know.

Yesterday, I picked up National Geographic's June issue on "Why the World Loves Soccer." With the World Cup closesly upon us and a boyfriend pretty geeked about it all, I figured it was time I got it straight. I flipped through the magazine on the bus, learning about the first World Cup in 1930 in Uruguay and that a 1990 match between Zagreb's Dinamo and Belgrade's Red Star may have marked the beginning of Croatia's war for independence. But the thing that caught my eye was a rather personal article entiteld, "Solace at Surprise Creek," an essay detailing the lives of Hutterites in Montana.

"Live simply, share everything, and trust in God," is their motto.

It sounds good, but I'd never want to be a Hutterite. Which is fine by them, I think. They don't encourage converts. An excerpt reads:

"You're wastin' your time," Darius says gruffly into the phone [to the man from Texas who has called several times, persistently seeking to join the colony]. "It's hard enough if you're born a Hutterite. I got guys breakin' the rules all the time. We don't do it and that's that. There don't need to be any 'How come?'"

But the community continues to grow. Nevermind that there is "little place here for individualism in dress, thought, or other personal rights most Americans treasure," the community, I think, offers other things many of us lack: a sense of belonging and work that produces somthing tangible, to name just a couple.

I ran into my coworker's boyfriend on the way out of the office last night, and he asked about my last day, etc., and then finally got around to the dreaded "What are you going to do when you get there?"

I teeter back and forth on this question. Sometimes, particularly with my much older coworkers and friends, I feel confident saying that I have no plan, that I just want to take some time off out of office space. They cheer me on and encourage it. And I feel affirmed in my decision. Other times, I'll tell someone in their 40s or someone my age, and perhaps it's not even in the words they speak in response, but in their tone of voice and the heights of their eyebrows: "You don't have a plan? No Plan B? What do you mean, 'vacation'?"

It's my own fault that I want to be such a people-pleaser and just tell them what they want to hear. That, yes, I do have a plan and I'm looking into grad schools and making connections with uber-successful paper-pushers and checking out what companies have the best 401Ks.

But this is not how I feel. There is no part of me that wants to sit behind a desk and stare into a computer, waiting, waiting to answer questions and pick up phones. No. I cannot do it. It's inhumane. I start to think about the Hutterites baking pies, chopping heads off poultry, shoveling feed and straw, and I admire it a bit.

I just don't want to make it my life goal simply to impress other people or please my parents or brag about my great benefits. I don't.

I suppose I could start freaking out. But I want this month free of that. I want a month to think about what I want to do. Who I want to be. I know there are warnings - you should get a job right away before - pow! - it's been 7 months and you still haven't found a job. But what happened to valuing thought and reflection?

This is a diatribe. Forgive me. It's been too long since I've written in my journal so you're getting the brunt of my neuroticism. My apologies. Just thinking out loud.

3 Comments:

At 7:41 AM, Blogger beth smith said...

Enjoy the space and time!
Enjoy the mornings - toast, coffee and people running in and out. Never as idylic as it sounds - but just as good anyway!
So glad you want to figure out the way you'd like to do things with your life - it'll fall into place for sure. Love, Beth x

 
At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Mary - thought I'd post a comment in recognition of the fact that you mentioned the World Cup - the greatest show on earth! Less than 4 days to go! (Might see you in a few weeks as we're coming over to the States).

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger Mary said...

pete, did you catch national geographic's june issue on why the world loves soccer? it's really, really good. i recommend picking up a copy.

and yes! i hope to see you and linds in a few weeks! yay!!!

 

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