Tuesday, October 12, 2004

a recipe for resolution

well, my elusive friend kevin has appeared like a co-worker popping up from his cubicle - no warning, no heads up, just a complete surprise, a sudden staring into my space. there was no letter, no postcard. in fact, the only thing in his handwriting is my address. inside, the anne lamott book, "traveling mercies." i am now wondering what i last wrote him to inspire such a send. hmmm ... a conundrum.

i have so much on my mind today. i want to write, but feel blocked. whether it's the reality of the workload cluttering my desk or the agonizing thought that life is not slowing down post-reunion insanity, i'm not sure. i feel pressure on my fingertips at the keyboard but feel incapable of sending any messages between my brain and my ready digits. somewhere between my thoughts and my expression of them, my will has been defeated. for good or for evil, again, i am not sure.

okay, a good song on launch... i'll tell you what i'm thinking. today i feel a fight in my soul. my dad came in last night and we chatted about my job, about love, about success, about chicago, about you-name-it. i loved talking with him one-on-one. we don't get to do that often. it meant a lot to me.

anyhow, so this afternoon, our webmaster, trish, and i took an afternoon stroll to grab a cup of coffee and she starts talking about risks. what the crap does "risk" mean? and we talk about the timing of our lives - argh.

honesty, risk, timing. now add a chapter of anne lamott's traveling mercies. i'm only in a few pages, but early on, she writes about her father's brain tumor. and the way she writes it - oh! she says something to the extent of "at that time, we didn't know that he had one good year left. we didn't know that he'd be unable to get out of bed on his own just months after he entered the hospital." it's this way of capturing the past through the eyes of the future. it's beautiful.

i know it's not my job to worry. and i do love the nonsense things in life. but today, i'm thinking, what could happen in a year? on october 12th of 2005, what will i be doing? am i being honest with myself? am i taking any risks? what does His timing look like for any of us?

so here are my resolutions for the new year:
1. i'm gonna write more letters and send more care packages (send me your address if you like snail mail)
2. i'm gonna wear my glasses to work
3. i'm gonna dress up in my old prom dresses, do my hair up and dance around the house because i feel like it (can't believe i haven't done that for over a year. so sad).
4. i'm gonna learn how to ice skate.
5. i'm gonna keep trying to facilitate friendships between different crowds of friends.
6. i'm gonna sit in the art institute and really, sincerely, develop my appreciation for modern art.
7. i'm gonna find something in everyone i meet that is beautiful. everyone.
8. i'm gonna dye my hair.
9. i'm gonna buy a plant and do my best not to kill it.
10. i'm gonna go country line dancing with my boots. and i'm gonna really learn how to two-step like a pro.

i'm sure there's more. but in a year, i want this to be true ...

"what she didn't know then was that a year from now, she would laugh harder than she'd ever laughed, that she'd fall in love listening to an acoustic guitar play against a brilliant red sunset, that her friends would move to new cities and share tales of unexpected joys, that the things she'd been afraid of most would make for the best stories she'd ever tell, and that God would fulfill His promise to her - that He does indeed make everything beautiful in its time."

3 Comments:

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Jon said...

I must say that you have quite a wit about you ms barga. good for you for jumping into 'traveling mercies'. This is one of my favorite books that I have read this past year and I look forward to hearing what you think of it. Her chapter on conversion is amazing and not something you are going to hear very often, if ever, at your local church. i also relate with grabbing life for all it is worth or at least the idea of it. Why is 'it' always one step beyond our grasp? Do we want the wrong things? May you move toward your goal of a risky and full life. I know i moving that direction as I sit here in my prom dress.

 
At 7:44 AM, Blogger erin said...

mares, i was just thinking yesterday about the new "things" i want to start doing in my life. made a list... although not as cool as yours. can't wait to play dress up and have our own little prom.
one might ask, "Where can i go to have a rockin' good time?" well ask no further my friend.
3709 N Bosworth, 2nd Floor! You know it!

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Mary said...

jon - am i dreaming this up or have we already had a conversation about you dancing in front of the mirror in a prom dress? it's all too eerie that it feels so familiar ...

 

Post a Comment

<< Home