at the crossroads

saturday evening, 6:39 p.m.

i am sitting at the computer dressed up for a night out at my friend sarah's house. i don't particularly want to be dressed up nor am i thrilled with the prospect of setting foot outside my own comfy house. but i love sarah and abby and courtney, so if tonight is the night we all get together, so be it.

this weekend has gone too quickly. we've had friends over every night since tuesday. wednesday, i finally watched "casablanca" (two thumbs up! really, i'm impressed with how much i enjoyed that classic), cooked my first turkey (a 19-pounder at that!), hosted my first thanksgiving away from home, threw two parties for work, and spent the better part of today reading my new anne lamott book, "blue shoe."

yesterday, in between the lunchtime pizza party and the evening holiday party, i found myself at home - alone - for the first time in maybe three weeks. i almost didn't know what to do with myself. so i cried. that always feels cathartic and good, no matter what the situation. i listened to jeff buckley's "satisfied mind" on repeat for over an hour and attempted to determine if what i have is a satisfied mind, or a contented heart, or plain old hopelessness, or pure joy. they all intersect at some point, i think, and i'm there at the crossroads. but can you pick just one way to go?

it's a question i can't delve into tonight. after dinner, abby, courtney and i are to head over to tyler's house for a little soiree. and while pajamas and chinese take-out and black-and-white classics may be calling my name, i've stood on my "intentional-community-focus" soap box long enough where i'm now actually required to follow through. why is it such a battle to go when i know i'm always glad after the fact?

ugh. here goes nothing ...