Tuesday, December 21, 2004

fatalism at its best

my imagination is out of control.

do you ever find that once you land on an idea, you begin considering every possible facet of it? you know, the "what ifs" of a situation? for example, take an average day at six flags or any other such amusement park. while you may be thinking, "geez, i really hope my krispy kreme doughnut stays down on this loop-de-loop ride," i'm sitting next to you thinking, "if this harness contraption breaks off or if i slip beneath the seat belt or if the entire ride falls off the track, i'll put my hands immediately over my head, ball up in the fetal position, and i WILL NOT scream. i will breathe calmly in my last few minutes so as not to add to the horror of the event."

what's wrong with me? on plane rides, it's the same thing. or on snowy days when i'm in a car, or when the train curves around the track a little too fast (yes, i've even thought, "hmm, if it curves to the right, and the doors open up, i'll jump through the doors and grab on to that fire escape stairwell and wait for help to arrive; if flames should shoot up from the disaster below, i'll surely have enough adrenaline in me to scale the building to safety. and should i die, i'll breathe slowly and wait for my body to be engulfed in the flames"). it's awful. i'm so fatalistic.

what's worse is that my roommates are gone so the quiet in the house feeds my imagination. last night, to avoid crazy thinking, i turned on the tv only to watch 7th Heaven's Lucy preach from the pulpit about the unknowns of the world - you could die of cancer, have an unexpected pregnancy, contract HIV, lose your job, be ostracized from your church, family, friends, etc, etc.

for crying out loud.

this morning, i woke up and for 5 minutes felt like, "i'm fine. everything is fine." but as soon as i got out of bed, all these thoughts swarmed in my head again. and at once, my whole world was falling apart.

why do i think like this? my friend allan told me that it's my awful fatalistic approach to life, that i think i'll be the one to be the example of surprise suffering for the world, to show everyone that yes, things can go wrong unexpectedly, and completely screw you over.

today i am trying to focus on reality. i'm trying to harness my thoughts, think about what is true, real, good, pure, lovely, admirable. i just need to get a rein on this.

12 Comments:

At 6:52 AM, Blogger Dan said...

shoot! i forgot to watch 7th heaven last night!

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Mary said...

you missed 7th heaven? dan, how long has it been? do you even remember the title song anymore?

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Mary said...

death isn't so much what bothers me. life is hard. death seems like it'll be a relief.

it's walking around with a pulse but being so scared i can't ever live that frightens me the most.

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger Adam said...

what's with all the griffin music listed on your site...Griffin House, Patty Griffin, why don't you have my album linked on here?

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger Mary said...

funny, i was actually thinking about writing a post about all the griffins here.

but then i thought, there's already too much griffin on my site, i can't make it its own entry! thankfully, you've noticed already and saved me the post.

maybe i'll just wait till your birthday and make everything griffin just for the day. all my links and my entries, as a tribute to everything that is griffin-esque. really, so many griffin things out there.

my question is: where are the barga bands? the barga newsletters? the barga sports teams?

bueller?

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Mary said...

YEA, KAT!!!

oh i miss you so much. i spent a good portion of last night in your room. okay, so it was because i had to use the computer, but it made me miss you so much. you're the best. let's talk soon. and how was the wedding?

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger Mary said...

and mr. mark, i feel your comment is like a backhanded compliment. now i feel both like a mental case and a certifiable genius. hmmm ... more racing thoughts ...

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

TNRPLA thought:

A world where things can go unexpectedly, dreadfully wrong is also a world where things can go unexpectedly, wonderfully right :)

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Laura said...

I have to agree with Paul a few comments up and add that if you spend any time watching TV news without really thinking about what they are saying.. you are bound to get scared.

In Milwaukee anyway, it seems that every ad for the 10:00 news begins with - "Do you eat at {pick any restaurant}? If you do, you could be in danger!" Or, "do your kids {pick almost any activity}? Because if they do, they could be in danger?" There are endless other lines like this, and it's not just the tv news, it's advertising too.

It's all meant to make us scared into watching more tv and buying more useless crap and it's crazy.

Sorry, this diatribe is not so much directed to Mary's racing thoughts anymore, but I think it is related, because if we don't think about what we are hearing, it's almost like we are taking stuff in and being brainwashed by it.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Mary said...

good point laura.

i think, and this is in no way meant to be offensive to my mother, but i think that that growing up in a house where we spent a great deal of time focusing on news items of death or sorrow or what-have-you to this day encourages me to think that i'll be one of those stories, too.

how do you digest the bad and not forget to swallow it down with the good?

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Laura said...

Where on earth is Mary??? It's been forever...

 
At 10:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mary,
I am searching this morning about this stuff because i had disturbng thoughts last night. My imagination races at times sometimes so fast I cannot keep up. The disturbing stuff started about 4 years ago. Before that I usually could deal with my racing thoughts in good ways like calming, stories, problem solving, and so much more. I could even imagine such wonderful things like beautiful fields of flowers, babies making noises, soft voices of comfort and more. I was really in control of my mind. Then one day all of the sudden It happened some very disturbing thought came through that opened up a door that I have not been able to close. Then it developed into all sorts of different disturbing thoughts I dont even talk about it or tell anyone. I am afriad to bring it up in fear for well being and would not even want others to know such things are possible with the mind. I know what you are thing is he on drugs ? Nope. Not prescribed either. And never did drugs. Caffine occasionally. My coffee once or twice a week and a soda with my meals Just put it this way the mind is so powerful for people who have this ability of what Mark called racing thoughts. This is something you want to gain some type of control for asap. Trust me on this. Here is some advice, the best I have found so far. Pick an imagination of something very dear and beautiful maybe a mental picture of child who you love very much or standing in the mountains with the smell of pine trees and images of that all around. Then as soon as you have any racing thoughts that you do not want act quickly turn away from whats not pleasant and either say the childs name quietly to yourself or green forests and visualize that for a very short moment then walk away and do something different and dont look back or even think about what bothered you. I do hope this works for you.

 

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