Thursday, May 12, 2005

more than you wanted to know

yesterday afternoon, things were going too well. monday: a cubs game with my friend jenn (alright, it was really just an inning because of a 2 hour rain delay, but i still got to spend the evening at uncommon ground with jenn, who is one of those women whose heart is something far more precious than you can even imagine and whose friendship i have been so recently fortunate to find); tuesday: a meeting with loyola's dean of students who set off my career exploration on such a strong foot, encouraging me, and sharing warmly and frankly all i could have asked for; out to the park for lunch that afternoon with some of my favorite colleagues, basking in the sun and sharing honestly about our lives; and that evening, out to the u2 concert for free, jumping up and down to "city of blinding lights" and flashbacking to freshman year of college during "running to stand still"; wednesday morning, waking up to a beautiful, big, dark and flashy storm; weds. afternoon, enjoying lunch with one of my closest friends in the whole wide world from madison and unexpectedly spending the whole of the afternoon with her getting her car towed and transported to elite truck rental. it was so wonderful.

so what inside me last night sabotaged the goodness of the past few days? i've blamed it on mental instability, but my friend adam g. assures me my instability is completely normal. still, normalcy is beside the point... i journaled for awhile when i got home, acknowledging the familiar presence of something i'm still unable to identify - perhaps "uncomfortable with" is a better term. regardless ... what happened? did i think too much? i know once i really start thinking, it's a slippery slope. and when i feel myself start to overthink, i try to slow down and focus on this book i read in college with friends called "loving god with all your mind." but for all my energy spent trying to remember what was INSIDE the book, my mind gets caught up re-examining the cover (which i probably spent more time studying than the actual material, but for crying out loud - it was one of those lame, cheesy cup-of-tea-on-a-wicker-chair christian women's book covers! when i got the book, i was just beginning to explore the world of why-so-many-christian-women-authors-make-you-think-god-made-all-women-to-be-pink-prissy-and-putridly-perfect-and-try-to-make-themselves-and-you-believe-that-women-were-made-solely-to-be-spouse-pamperers. gag.)

crap. i've completely lost my train of thought. where was i going with this?

anyway, i think the point of the book was to focus your mind: "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on such things."

but i couldn't do that last night. i fought off this urge to think for as long as i could. i ate cheez-its for dinner, read other people's blogs, cleaned my room, lit candles, called some friends. and then i couldn't resist anymore. i ran to the freezer, grabbed my cherry garcia ice cream, crawled under my covers, and cried into the pint while i talked to my best friend in minneapolis. i panicked. for everything that was good about the past few days, i suddenly saw only the dangers. thankfully, shelly let me sob it all out with her. it felt so good. so safe. i'm lucky that god stays close to me in these moments, that he doesn't freak out on me and think, "good lord! what has gotten in to her? her mental instability is NOT going to make this an easy relationship. better run before she gets too close!"

i can see the face of that god, and it is one of disgust, kind of like the face i used to give my parents when i was in junior high - as in, what? you want to drop me off that close to the movie theatre? are you kidding me? i'll meet you two blocks west of there, but DO NOT COME ANY CLOSER.

no, i know god is very close to me. i know he sees right to my heart and knows that i am solidly built on His love and His truth, so he's not terribly worried about my thought life (especially since he knows i completed contemporary christian women's rhetoric 101 with that pink-tea-and-wicker book. ha.). he knows i hear him, he knows i struggle with fearing the future, and he knows that he created me with a dangerous amount of energy and passion. he knows everything. so while i was softening up my ben & jerry's with tears, sharing my muddled-and-outrageous-crystal-ball view of the future with shelly, and generally experiencing a peaked emotional mid-life (okay, okay, fine ... quarter-life, but all i'm saying is, you never know when you're gonna go) crisis last night, god knew he had me.

so maybe it's not mental or emotional instability. maybe it was just me shedding an old layer of skin. maybe this is just life and growing up and not knowing and realizing how little control i have after all is said and done. and, bittersweetly, god is letting me experience the fullness of it. and if this really IS just a quarter-life crisis, my midlife crisis is really going to be a mess. and i can't wait.

and since he loves me as much as he does, he'll probably let me have a whole gallon of ice cream. any flavor.

2 Comments:

At 9:19 PM, Blogger jenn said...

i'm honored by my mention...i've been reading "Traveling Mercies" It's good, but it makes me feel uncomfortable in parts, not in a bad way, just...well, reality can be so gross and messy that it makes my stomach churn, but I think I somehow equate the avoidance of real, gross, disgusting reality with holiness. Like sterile is beautiful and acceptable and the gross, very human things in life are unacceptable. it's basically gnosticism...how did this happen!!!??

 
At 4:46 AM, Blogger Mary said...

you almost made my entry, my dear adam go. i was, however, referring to adam griffin, but you, adam go, are ever so wonderful yourself so i'll just give you props here until i'm able to post an entire entry just about YOU.

when do you leave for hawaii?

 

Post a Comment

<< Home