Monday, September 12, 2005

I am an idolator

Confession: I am an idolator.

Dave started out yesterday morning's sermon on "The Big Ten" by looking at the second commandment. While he acknowledged to the congregation that idolatry has many more facets than wooden-idol worship, I sat back in my chair, a little warm, wondering if everyone else could see this fluorescent bulb dangling above me, feel the cold walls of an interrogation cell pressing in on my head. Certainly, there wasn't much I felt I need coaxing to fess up to. I knew it already. And when Dave asked us to fill in the blank according to our own lives: "You cannot serve both God and ____", it didn't take me long to scribble in "SELF."

I have so easily wanted to step in as my own God many, many times. My friend Jon mentioned to me once that maybe the things I was best at were also the things I struggled most with. He's right. I'll take something good - i.e. I adapt well to many situations - and all of the sudden decide that I'll be single for the rest of my life because I'll never find someone who can adapt so well as me, and my work cannot be hindered. Or better yet, I find that I want control of all situations and when it suddenly spins out from underneath me, I beg God to step in quick, and if it doesn't work out, I point out to him later that if He had just followed my directions, everything would have been marvelous.

It's gross. And honestly, probably too gross to blog about.
Too bad.

So last night, I spent some time with Him. I feel when I really get alone with him, and get to settle down my thoughts, and fears, and worries, I actually find a relationship there. And I'm quickly quite honest with myself.

The truth is I am afraid of me, afraid of what I'm capable of (good or bad), afraid of hurting someone, afraid of seeking my own glory, or making myself my own god, of disappointing my friends, of not being able to bring peace to all my relationships, and, quite frankly, of not knowing how to love God, but - particularly when I'm alone with Him - seeing how much I DO love Him and not being able to fully live like it.

Here's the thing He shared last night: "Listen, I am not afraid."

Maybe that's all I need. Just You not to be afraid. Me to follow, You to lead. Me to watch, You to guide. Me to trust, You not to be afraid.

3 Comments:

At 9:05 AM, Blogger me said...

So, my pastor's been going through the Beattitudes and yesterday we went through "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." He talked about how that hunger and thirst, in the Greek, are an all-encompassing, all-inclusive, completely insatiable hunger and thirst for all the food and liquid in the world.
They are all-consuming desires.
Talking about desires often frightens me: desiring frightens me because I know desires are something I warp far too often.
However, then he gave a CS Lewis quote about how Christians don't fail in that we desire too much, it is that we desire *too little.*
That really got to me. See, when we desire to serve ourselves, glorify ourselves, we're falling short of the most amazing and fulfilling desire: to serve and glorify God.
How does this look in my life? How can I put this into action and actually live through this knowledge? I'm still not sure, but I hope to continue to learn and try to do so.
Don't be afraid of your desires, Mary, see how they point you to the Greatest Desire of All.

 
At 12:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"God finds that our passions are not too strong, they are too weak. We are far too easily pleased… We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and lust and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to keep on making mud-pies in the slums because he cannot imagine what is meant by a holiday at the sea”- C.S. Lewis

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger Jon said...

I know that everyone loves that quote from Clive but really, it is awesome. It is a challenge for me to want what is best and not settle for what seems good at the moment, even when it is likely to come back and hurt me in the end. Praise God that he protects me from myself and only gives me what my heart desires when it is according to his will. I am pretty sure we would all be dead or at least really unhappy if I was in charge and not God.

Mary I hope you keep living with passion and continue to grow to have the very desires of Christ.

 

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