a new year

we're already four days into 2005. or 96 hours. or 5,760 minutes. or 345,600 seconds. however you look at it, it doesn't seem like much.

in 96 wee little hours, i've already managed to disappoint the resolution-maker within me. why she insists on coming is beyond my comprehension. at the end of each calendar year, the resolution-maker makes a visit and i let her in, unwilling to put up a fight (rather, i CAN NOT put up a fight as all my energy has been exhausted digesting esther price dark chocolate caramel pecans). she asks that i record these resolutions, these ideas on how SHE could better my life if only i would muster up the courage to commit. i always write them down, smiling as i do so - for even if i know they'll never get accomplished, the ideas are rather dreamy and serene and it is nicer to be in a make-believe world when one is too bloated and full of chocolate than to pull on a parka and walk a few miles with the dog.

pen in hand, i oblige the resolution-maker and shorthand her dictation. i NEVER write it in my journal. that is a fool's error. if you don't wish to be held accountable, don't write it down on a piece of paper you'll ever come across again.

i say this because this holiday, i evidently over-indulged myself with the smorgasbord of dark chocolate forever before me and - gasp! - the resolution-maker took advantage of my sugar-fueled high and fooled me into writing in my journal. this is precisely why i KNOW that i have failed my resolutions.

until i find a way to tear out this page neatly, i am stuck re-reading my resolutions (and no, i can't just ignore it. i KNOW it's there. so i am refusing that advice. thank you anyway). and what i find most surprising about these resolutions is not that i've already failed a number of them - really, if you know me, you understand failure is not beyond my grasp - but that they've made me hopeful. and not in a sugar-junkie, happy-bloated-stomach kind of way, but in a could-i-really-do-this, maybe-my-future-is-so-bright-i-should-finally-invest-in-a-pair-of-shades-that-provide-more-substantial-UV-protection-than-my-4-year-old-visor kind of way.

of course, don't check in with me about this come january 1, 2006. i promise by then i'll have found a way to destroy any and all evidence of these supposed 2005 resolutions.

in the meantime, here's to the success of YOUR resolutions, fool as you were to write them down.