He said, She said
Tonight I called my friend Shelly to dissect a conversation I'd had with another friend earlier in the afternoon. What I like about Shelly - and what I consider a truly remarkable quality in any friend - is that she always takes my side right away (it's true, she knows I'm not as extreme as I come off in my stories and allows me the time to settle on the real truth of a story and not the exaggerated interpretation in my imagination).
Anyhow, so tonight, we talked about how in the world women are supposed to really communicate with men. Because honestly, sometimes I really feel like I speak a different language. And if the guy I'm speaking with is not hearing me, I wish for a woman to suddenly appear and translate. Argh. It is so frustrating. Is there hope?
I surfed the web a bit tonight in search of an answer, googling for the online version of the "He said, She said" dictionary my high school friend Adam (who we affectionately nicknamed "Rog" - short for "Roger" - unnecessary information, I know, but important for me to call to mind and remember as I get older) gave me on my 18th birthday. Unfortunately, I had no luck, but I did find a great article from Psychology Today that I think is worthwhile to note ...
Women's perceptual skills are oriented to quick -- call it intuitive -- people reading. Females are gifted at detecting the feelings and thoughts of others, inferring intentions, absorbing contextual clues and responding in emotionally appropriate ways. They empathize. Tuned to others, they more readily see alternate sides of an argument. Such empathy fosters communication and primes females for attachment.
Women, in other words, seem to be hard-wired for a top-down, big-picture take. Men might be programmed to look at things from the bottom up (no surprise there).Men focus first on minute detail, and operate most easily with a certain detachment. They construct rules-based analyses of the natural world, inanimate objects and events; they systemize.
Baron-Cohen's work supports a view that neuroscientists have flirted with for years: Early in development, the male hormone testosterone slows the growth of the brain's left hemisphere and accelerates growth of the right.
So all I'm saying is NOW WHAT??? Maybe I have way too much estrogen to even be able to understand men and their testosterone-infused conversations. Argh. I need that dictionary back.
posted by Mary @ 7:45 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Amen! I think that -- at points -- we all wish for a translator or a common language between men and women. I suppose we just go on knowing that somewhere in that jumble of communication, nobody really truly gets it, but maybe some things sift through. Adam's post (above) sounds about right, though: "deal with it" for the guys; sympathy and "is there anything I can do for you?" for the women. I just try to laugh at the whole situation and live and learn in the process...
Being married now for a whopping 2 and something years (!) I can only say that I still have little idea what is going on in my wife's brain. :)
The cool part, though, is that life within a male/female relationship where we DON'T invariably understand each other is NEVER boring!!!!!
And I think that Brandon's trying to laugh at the situation is pretty stinking healthy.
Let's not forget that we don't go to movies, and we're not attracted to people, that are in no way a mystery to us. Drama is an integral part of life (especially for anyone who wants to know Jesus). And enjoying the drama is what keeps us addicted to the Strength (aka God).
Staying tight with Him is what keeps the drama of my relationship with Sarah in perspective and even makes me thankful to have it.
And I'll probably say that right up until I feel frustrated at how we don't understand each other again. But maybe that's okay.
Aw Mary, you're so right! yadda yadda yadda... :-P there you go Go.
Nah, actually I find it easiest to have a guy friend that you actually *can* communicate with and run things through with him instead of with girl friends. = )
I've been pretty lucky to have a guy friend like that and here's what we've come up with as a solution to the whole guy/girl miscommunication thing: Say what you mean. Not sort of, or somewhat... *exactly* what you mean.
Girls, we read into things. Guys, for the most part, don't. If he asks what's wrong and she says "nothing" he will think nothing is wrong. We women get a little too passive in those ways and we need to just come out and say what we mean. Hinting doesn't do it. Hinting is just annoying to guys. (actually learned that one from Jon Anderson back in the day)
As far as guys trying to understand girls... well, just know that we over-think. We analyze. (yes, there's a reason the beginning of that word is "anal") So, I guess the best thing a guy can ask a girl is: What are you trying to say? Because she's probably hedging. And the best thing a girl can do is take a guy for his word.
Of course, this, with everything else, will have it's exceptions... but, I'm going for it.
oh, and ladies, when in doubt, just talk in movie quotes-- that's a language guys truly understand.
We can't forget though, that men DO get PMS! No, not the actual medical definition of the word, but mood swings. Men do get mood swings. Communication breakdowns are bound to happen when people get moody. I've been married for 6 years and believe me, I've seen it.......and..... I've also doled it out from time to time.
and adam, although I know you were joking, I feel compelled to reply to your comment. :-P
"If I were a woman... I'd say something like, "aw mary, you're totally right! It must be hard. I'm sorry. So you feel like... nah, nah, nah... Oh, honey, is there anything I can do for you?""
That quote brings up a good point! We're all caught up in sterotypes! We assume that men and women should respond certain ways to things and when they don't we get all confused. I think sometimes we enter into a conversation with all these "ideas" about what the other sex is like, when in reality, we are ALL very different. And none of us fit into a little box of what we think it means to be a "man" or a "woman."
ok, I'm done ranting and rambling now...what do I know anyway, seriously? what does anyone know?
oh and chris - I agree with you too on the part about it never being boring. You are so right! :-)
Post a Comment
<< Home