Sunday, October 31, 2004

easy like sunday morning

i had such a good weekend.

my friend jon just left, my roommates are out on michigan avenue and i'm here, enjoying lionel richie and npr. you know when you have those weekends where everything feels easy? man, i wish that's how it would always be. jon and i went to see a play at the shakespeare theatre on navy pier saturday and then went out to wildfire for dinner. i can't remember the last time i had filet mignon that tender. mmmm ...

i think one of the best things about the weekend was being with someone who's so easy to enjoy. i've been really lucky in my life to know so many people whose company i take such great delight in. and i feel that as we all mature, there's something so much richer in our conversations. i notice that more than ever, i long for extended dinners and bottles of wine. quiet sunday mornings and pancake breakfasts. jazz piano and honest conversations. i feel lucky to be living in this moment.

i know someday i may have crazy mornings, waking up children and brushing their hair, cleaning up spilled cereal and clicking seatbelts in the car. i know someday i may be yelling up the stairs to teenage children, asking them to hurry up and get dressed. i know someday i'll spend more time in the car as chauffeur than i ever thought possible. and i know someday, i'll be able to laugh in the midst of those things. because i think god would like that ... because i think i would like that.

for now, god has allowed me a newspaper, a cup of coffee, jazz music on npr with funny-accented hosts, sunshine through my windows. it's in moments like this - after an easy weekend - that i feel like god tells me how patient He is with me. He's not angry that i'm not at church (He knows where we stand on that), He's not just tapping His foot until i pick up my bible and get down on my knees.

nope, i feel like He's here, just sitting on kat's bed, listening to the music with me as i type. He just enjoys me. just being with me. no expectations. maybe He's waiting for me to catch on to the dreams He has for me, maybe He's hoping i'll pray again like i used to, maybe lots of things. whatever He's doing here, i don't feel burdened. i feel like i could almost turn to see him on kat's bed, dreaming with his eyes closed. and it makes me want to ask Him what's on His mind.

when i'm ready, i will. He knows that. so we're just taking it easy this sunday morning. i think that's how it should be.

oh, and happy halloween.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

on hold

15 minutes. 15 very obnoxious, jazzy minutes have passed and ATA is still not answering my phone call. it is sucking up my "anytime" minutes. i am fully annoyed.

ok, not really annoyed. i'm actually mostly just hungry. but this still really irks me.

the thing is shelly and i decided to take this trip to ft. lauderdale next week - a little warm weather getaway. and we found a way for her to get a layover in chicago so we could fly down and then back up together. but oh, no - stupid ATA had to go and get all bankrupt on us and now, they've called me to share that they've changed both my flights.

umm, i don't think so.

18 minutes. seriously, if i ran a company, i'd have enough people on hand that there would be no waiting time for people who wanted to lodge a complaint. in fact, i wouldn't run a company so there were complaints to lodge in the FIRST place!

argh. why am I not running the world??

speaking of the world (and getting back to more important issues), i read this article today in sojourners that says 45 million americans are without health insurance. that's a serious issue. but you don't quite understand 45 million until it's really broken down. here's what they said (by the numbers):

37.1 million - the number of african americans in this country
35.9 million - the number of americans age 65 and older
32.2 million - the entire population of canada

that last one really got me. can you imagine an entire country completely uninsured? sick. that's so wrong.

i feel angered by the politicians, frustrated at the lack of justice AND mercy in the world, and annoyed that i've been on the phone for nearly 30 minutes now and haven't heard from a REAL person yet.

ooh, i need to vent. seriously, can't we get some more politicians, some more movers and shakers, some more CEOs, with their heads on straight and their hearts bowed before God? is it too much to ask?

32 minutes. i'm still waiting.

Monday, October 25, 2004

the dry clothes countdown

One of the best things in the world is making my roommates laugh. I say that because Kat has this incredible laugh that just draws you in the second you hear it. It's like the noise an angel would make, or those greek mythology characters who would lure fishermen to their death with entrancing voices. (except Kat doesn't lure anyone to death -- only to eternal bliss). Ahhh yes, laugh kat, laugh. Erin's laugh is ok too.

Ah, so funny my roommates are. Kat wrote that little excerpt above because SHE hilarifies herself. I wasn't even in the room and I could hear her laughing. What a nice North Carolinian she is.

Anyhow, I am feeling so pathetic tonight in my attempts to write a decent entry. I've been awake for too many hours this past week. A good weekend, for sure. Saw my friend Wendy from Madison in Oak Park on Saturday - never been there. Cute streets. And Erin and I went up to Green Bay with her parents for the Packers-Cowboys game on Sunday (many thanks, Knowles family!). So I am exhausted. It is 9:12 pm and the only thing running through my head is "how many more minutes till the dryer finishes with my clothes?"

I'm getting old. I'm beginning to see dryers and early bedtimes in my future.
As long as there's sleep, too.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

scrapbooking: one woman's inevitable fate

that's the working title i've got going for the book i hope to someday write. says my friend jon, "i like that - it has humor and sadness wrapped up in one expression." good. that's what i'm aiming for. i think it correctly identifies the essence of life - fully bittersweet.

anyhow, so last night i went to second city with some work pals to see my friend, tj, perform his primetime "talk show," which comedically addresses current political ideas/events/etc. tj and paul - the hosts - are both jewish (purely culturally, of course. tj always asserts that he's never been bar mitzvahed) and will comment on it at every single opportunity available. tj thinks we get along so well because i'm catholic. maybe but maybe not (thanks for that one, jon. you're full of quotable lines tonight).

back to the story - afterwards, tj and i went out for a drink and chatted about the last reunion weekend (he's also an alum). what i loved most was that he was still coming down from his performance high, so he was maybe a little more open than normal. we talked about his high school girlfriend of 3 years who i also know rather well (not that he knows that. wouldn't that make it awkward? i needed to create a safe environment. besides we're better friends than she and i are) . there was a point during his dialogue where he relayed a conversation to me that he had obviously replayed in his head for years. it was perfectly vivid.

don't you wonder what you said in high school that someone is still thinking about?

now, tj is no obsessively-looking-back fool. but those words still echo in the back of his mind. so today i've been thinking about what words echo in the back of my mind. i remember this guy kevin running down the hall after me on the last day of his senior year to share something with me that made my whole high school existence seem worthwhile. i remember my sophomore year chemistry teacher giving me my first and only detention for a crime i didn't commit (he later resented it when i - as the only person who ever did - stopped laughing at his jokes in class). i remember so much - maybe it's more looks that i remember. the way things felt.

but tj remembered full conversations. which makes me wonder if guys really are better at remembering exact words. you know how they ALWAYS know the exact line from a movie? and they can rattle off any one of adam sandler's ridiculous quotes at the drop of a hat? weird. i think that's how you can tell when a guy is clearly NOT AT ALL interested - when they don't remember things you said. i'm not saying that the opposite is true, it's just that this makes sense. maybe, but maybe not.

well it's off to drinks with a friend. yes, drinks many nights in a row. i used to puff out my stomach when i was a kid to pretend i was pregnant. okay, okay, i still do. but my dad always said it was gonna keep growing out if i didn't stop. looks like the alcohol isn't helping any. oh well. i like the way it looks. so i'm happy. maybe i'll make it TWO margaritas tonight. ole.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

lark news

lark news: some entries in the "prayer request / gossip line" page

» Pray for Juan Valdez. I've just been thinking about him lately. He has a sweet smile, but who knows? Maybe he's a very poor South American person who needs Jesus. Pray for Juan Valdez.- Laurie, Minn.
13 people have prayed for this request!

» Pray that I would win this critical upcoming election. - John, Mass.
10 people have prayed for this request!

» Pray for Melissa, the prettiest girl at my school, who is very popular. I believe she is missing God's will for her life and being too social, and not hearing God. I believe she is really a sad person, not a happy person as she appears. Also pray that she would notice me and that maybe someday we could date or get married, or that I would marry someone like her. But only if it is God's will for me to marry someone beautiful.
- Frank, N. Car.

2 people have prayed for this request!

hilarious. add your prayer requests here.

Monday, October 18, 2004

dirty blue jacket

magnificent post number 12.

i'm well into the blogging world now. so much pressure to be clever. alas, i cannot handle any pressure today, so clever i will not be. in fact, prepare yourselves for sudden narcolepsy as you delve into a sea of ... ooh, are you asleep already? "delve" is an exciting word; i should have been more considerate of my narcoleptic readership.

well, for those of you who are left, enjoy today's entry ...

this afternoon, as i gathered my things at the office, shut down the computer and grabbed my coat, i noticed a subtle dirtiness on the right shoulder of my baby blue fall jacket. aghast, i inspected it more closely to find that really, the whole thing was obviously very dirty. i thought i had shoved it in the back of my closet because my sister told me i was a "spring" and baby blue just wasn't in my color palette. but nope, turns out the truth is i'm just too lazy to figure out how to wash a coat without paying mega-bucks to get it dry-cleaned. i suppose my thinking must have been along the lines of hoping the same monster who eats my socks in the wash would somehow eat my coat if i forced it far enough back into the mouth of this clothes goblin: "oh well, more clothing lost to the abyss. means i get to buy a new jacket." apparently, i have discovered that the sock monster in the closet does not like coats.

anyhow, my ugly vanity took ahold of me. for real. it was as if two long, spiny, grinch-like hands were grabbing at my ankles, preventing me from taking the usual route home via the el. obviously, there is an unwritten rule that the el line up to southport only carries the beautiful, clean, yuppie people. so i jumped on the 22 bus outside the office, made my way past the homeless guy sleeping in one of the seats near the front and stole the seat behind him.

and there, i forgot how much i like the bus. people look at each other on the bus, read over each other's shoulders, get too close for comfort - especially because there are more smelly people on the bus than on the el. but i like it. i felt alive.

this is a good thing. because tonight, i was talking to some friends who weren't feeling the goodness of being alive. there's honestly nothing to say in moments like this - unless you're really, really good like delilah or jane austen or God. but me, my natural reaction is to want to cry when they cry. and pet their hair. and give them my sleeve for tissue.

but tonight, something else was on my mind when they were talking - while all of me was with them, hearing them, loving them, all of me was also laughing, imagining, dreaming. you know that verse in ecclesiastes? the one that says there is nothing new under the sun? well, i'm sitting there listening to them, imagining them sharing these stories - these exact same stories, but each of us dressed up like the characters in the bbc version of pride and prejudice.

and i'm thinking, if that verse is true, if indeed there is nothing new under the sun, then 200 years ago, someone must have been feeling these same things. i love the thought of a young woman frustrated with money, another confused about love, and still another bored at work all talking to their friends in someone's sitting room, dressed up in the cutting edge fashions of early 19th century england. because it makes me feel not so lonely. someone's been there. and they made it through. i'm not the first to go through this and i'm not going to be the last.

hmm. to me, that's good news. it gives me courage.

i'm glad for this verse: "Enjoy life with your wife [ed. note: or your friends, or co-workers, or fellow public transportation users], whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun - all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might ..."

i know there's a heaven. or at least i've got faith enough to hope for it. so what better to do now than to laugh at the days to come? to enjoy this meaningless life? to work on behalf of the widow and the orphan? to love your friends? to care about them more than you care about your own meaningless life? to trust God and actually let Him be God?

to give yourself fully to Him? everything to Him?

everything? e v e r y t h i n g?

the very thought makes my heart feel overjoyed. He wants it all. my fears, my hopes, my expectations. even my dirty blue jacket.

... He makes me laugh :)

Thursday, October 14, 2004


ok, so who remembers the scene in love and basketball at q's and monica's senior prom where they're dancing with the wrong people and they know it?

man, that's a good movie.

and the zap & roger song, "i want to be your man," really, could they have CHOSEN a better song? my old roommate erin and i used to dance to that song when we lived on gilman. or rather, i used to make her dance with me to that song.

come to think of it, i think we used to dance often without any music, period. i feel like dancing reminds me of being rocked. rocked like you rock a child (i suppose i should make that clear). it not only echoes your internal rhythm, but is mysteriously comforting. i think that's why i would come home to our apartment after a hard day, look at erin, she'd move her books off her lap, come greet me and let me dance with her. because it was comforting. it rocked the sadness right out, if just for a little while.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

sheep lice

"good writing is about telling the truth. we are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason they write so very little. but we do. we have so much we want to say and figure out." - anne lamott, bird by bird.

amen. discuss.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

a recipe for resolution

well, my elusive friend kevin has appeared like a co-worker popping up from his cubicle - no warning, no heads up, just a complete surprise, a sudden staring into my space. there was no letter, no postcard. in fact, the only thing in his handwriting is my address. inside, the anne lamott book, "traveling mercies." i am now wondering what i last wrote him to inspire such a send. hmmm ... a conundrum.

i have so much on my mind today. i want to write, but feel blocked. whether it's the reality of the workload cluttering my desk or the agonizing thought that life is not slowing down post-reunion insanity, i'm not sure. i feel pressure on my fingertips at the keyboard but feel incapable of sending any messages between my brain and my ready digits. somewhere between my thoughts and my expression of them, my will has been defeated. for good or for evil, again, i am not sure.

okay, a good song on launch... i'll tell you what i'm thinking. today i feel a fight in my soul. my dad came in last night and we chatted about my job, about love, about success, about chicago, about you-name-it. i loved talking with him one-on-one. we don't get to do that often. it meant a lot to me.

anyhow, so this afternoon, our webmaster, trish, and i took an afternoon stroll to grab a cup of coffee and she starts talking about risks. what the crap does "risk" mean? and we talk about the timing of our lives - argh.

honesty, risk, timing. now add a chapter of anne lamott's traveling mercies. i'm only in a few pages, but early on, she writes about her father's brain tumor. and the way she writes it - oh! she says something to the extent of "at that time, we didn't know that he had one good year left. we didn't know that he'd be unable to get out of bed on his own just months after he entered the hospital." it's this way of capturing the past through the eyes of the future. it's beautiful.

i know it's not my job to worry. and i do love the nonsense things in life. but today, i'm thinking, what could happen in a year? on october 12th of 2005, what will i be doing? am i being honest with myself? am i taking any risks? what does His timing look like for any of us?

so here are my resolutions for the new year:
1. i'm gonna write more letters and send more care packages (send me your address if you like snail mail)
2. i'm gonna wear my glasses to work
3. i'm gonna dress up in my old prom dresses, do my hair up and dance around the house because i feel like it (can't believe i haven't done that for over a year. so sad).
4. i'm gonna learn how to ice skate.
5. i'm gonna keep trying to facilitate friendships between different crowds of friends.
6. i'm gonna sit in the art institute and really, sincerely, develop my appreciation for modern art.
7. i'm gonna find something in everyone i meet that is beautiful. everyone.
8. i'm gonna dye my hair.
9. i'm gonna buy a plant and do my best not to kill it.
10. i'm gonna go country line dancing with my boots. and i'm gonna really learn how to two-step like a pro.

i'm sure there's more. but in a year, i want this to be true ...

"what she didn't know then was that a year from now, she would laugh harder than she'd ever laughed, that she'd fall in love listening to an acoustic guitar play against a brilliant red sunset, that her friends would move to new cities and share tales of unexpected joys, that the things she'd been afraid of most would make for the best stories she'd ever tell, and that God would fulfill His promise to her - that He does indeed make everything beautiful in its time."

escapist music

i come into work. i get settled. i make my phone calls. and just before i begin my e-work, i tune into my radio station. rated songs compete with one another to line up for my musical enjoyment. and i am well pleased.

this morning alone, my soul has thrilled to the music of five of the best songs ever written, sung, performed - you name it. these are the kind of songs that you can listen to at any moment of any day, the kind that distract you completely, the kind that steal your soul away to a place you can only see when you close your eyes.

poughkeepsie- otr
damn, i wish i was your lover - sophie b hawkins
satisfied mind - jeff buckley
fade into you - mazzy star

sweet thing - van morrison

go find these tunes and steal away, steal away.

Friday, October 08, 2004

doing the job

i love my job. 4 months ago, i wouldn't have told you that. i would have said that i used to love my job, but it had since become quite tiresome and often emotionally draining. i would have told you that of cnn's "top ten reasons you're burnt out" i could identify with all but one.

in the past month, it's changed. i've gotten busy. in a good way. and it culminated tonight at our alumni cocktail party. just under 200 alumni showed up to this 2 hour cocktail event. some of them i've known only via e-mail or telephone; others have been volunteers for years before i ever arrived on the scene. up until the last minute, at 5:29 pm before anyone arrives, i am thinking, "i can't do this. i have to quit. i'm not capable, no one will show up, i'll be proven as i am - an absolute disaster."

and then 5:30. my volunteers arrive. no one else. i panic. this is my third year putting on the same cocktail event and i'm still nervous i'll be an utter failure.

somewhere between 5:30 and 7:30, the event is pulled off. people are laughing, drinking, reminiscing, meeting, sharing - and i am watching them. i am watching them, i am introducing them, i am smiling with them as they tell their stories, i am laughing hard at their jokes that wouldn't be as funny without wine, i am engaging them in conversation, i am locking in my memory the things that i love about them.

no, i don't often remember who they work for or who they know, but i remember little details. they way carey says certain words, the way johanes tilts his head when he laughs, the way sally moves her eyes to always show she's following along with me, the way jerry watches me with pride that i am so young in such a job, the way andrea hugs me before she goes and ryan kisses my cheek to tell me i did a good job. it's when two people meet, separated in age by 20+ years and they find something in common to spark new conversation.

i love my job. i love it because it's just people. there are so many. i email them all the time. i hear about them from teachers. they are characters. and then they meet me and finally know my face. and i meet them and they come off the yearbook page and start breathing. it's incredible.

i don't know why god picked me for this job. i don't know why he made me like i am. but i'm glad for it. i feel thankful that god cared enough to design me in such a particular way. i feel thankful that i know it. i feel thankful that even in my rejection of Him, the times that i've been annoyed, He still continues to work. He doesn't give up on me.

i often question why i'm here. why chicago? why this job? but to tell you the truth, i know i'm here for something. and i'm not afraid anymore that i'll not know.

this is a serious post, and i didn't really intend it to be so. i thought of a couple humorous things today at work i supposed would tantalize my audience - my twilight zone work experience, my talk with illinois' attorney general (and latin alumna), my "talking-to" from the "sweet-woman-i'll-hit-on-you-till-you-break-and-date-me-oh-wait-you're-turning-me-down-fine-whatever-that's-cool-cause-now-i'll-treat-you-like-i'm-too-good-for-you-and-be-a-lazy-punk-ass-when-you-seriously-need-help-the-night-of-your-big-event" facilities guy, and oh-so-many other stories. but alas, it is 10:12 pm and i have to go to bed. my day starts tomorrow at 6:30 a.m. and my feet hate me for wearing heels all day (but man, did i look powerful).

good night.

hope you go to sleep knowing why you're here. it's nice.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

in a state of hilarium

let's take a vote.

all in favor of adding the word "hilarify" to the dictionary, please raise your hands (all those in florida - your votes don't count).

Hilarify (hih LAR if i) v. to elicit copius amounts of laughter from another, i.e. Jean-Luc hilarified Suzy with his comments regarding the new Japaneese bathroom device called the "Sound Princess" which "has been installed in many public toilets to simulate the sound of water flushing. All the patron needs to do is pass her hand over a sensor, and the convincing sound of a torrent of water comes from a speaker."


i say it passes. look for it in merriam-webster ( soon.

reciprocated flattery

my friend melissa met a guy this weekend at a volleyball tournament. they chatted, they laughed. she came in on monday and admitted a crush. so she e-mailed him yesterday. no big deal e-mail, just a "hey, it was nice to talk to you. if you ever have time for a drink, it'd be fun to get together." fine, fine. all nice and good.

he responded this morning.

and he's married.

but there's a lesson to be learned here. not for melissa. but for all married men. pay attention. here's the best way to respond to a girl who seems interested when you're already married. and i quote ...

"I enjoyed talking to you as well... After reading your email, I could not get this ridiculous smile off of my face. I am VERY flattered, but I am married."

Aww ... we both gave him extra kudos for that. So, Melissa willingly abandoned her crush this morning. It's hard to be hurt when someone has reciprocated such humble flattery. Nice job, married man. Nice job.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

tragically unhip

i have fallen in love with mojave 3. it was only the one song that caused me to stop the chaos enveloping me at my desk and roll away from the computer for a few moments. three empty starbucks cups around me (a subject i will address in a minute), one week old cup of coffee and two bottles of empty water bottles at my desk, papers stacked up in no particular order and a phone that keeps ringing tells the story of my week. it's been crazy. i am exhausted.

but then i heard mojave 3. and despite the pressure on every minute dripping with needs to be met, i found their site and read the reviews. Ken Micallef quotes from Give what you take: "I've been looking for a love, pretty soon I guess I'll f--- things up." Ken goes on with a stellar reivew: "...the quartet's spare, eloquent, and often majestically beautiful songs coming from a well of resigned heartache. Lovers come, lovers go, where they end up, nobody knows."

so check them out at

in the meantime, i'll be at my desk with my cup of starbucks coffee. oh yes, almost forgot ...

my friend paul writes that i'm not a true coffee aficionado unless i quit my starbucks addiction. funny that after our conversation about never wanting to be "cubby-holed," he suggests i align myself with the kind of person who also hates being "cubby-holed" and in so doing, becomes exactly that - the elusive, non-cubby-holed person. everyone's cubby-holed at some point. it's what we do. everyone's got a name for someone.

i want to be hip, artsy, clever, giddy, funny, smart. but compared to someone with ultra-chic urban-cool fashion sense who shops only consignment shops, i am not hip. and compared to someone who has decorated his house with a full out circular theme, i am not artsy. and compared to someone who can draw parallels between the presidential debates and indie horror flicks from the 60s, i am not clever. compared to someone who has been a cheerleading captain for years in high school and is often asked to throw parties because she's so vivacious, i am not giddy. you get the point ...

all i'm saying (paul), is that you're right. i am not "special" in any clever-chic-trendy-you-can't-define-me kind of way. i shop at the gap. mark, joe, katie - they make my coffee at starbucks. i go see mainstream movies with happy-ever-after endings. i like u2 and coldplay and counting crows. and yes, i even own an enrique iglesias cd AND a jars of clay cd. so what if i like low-budget movies and coffee shops with pillow seating and books about educational policy? forget all that. label me as tragically uncool if you have to pick something. i kinda like the way it sounds.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

so i won't be the president

it is 7:20 on tuesday night and i am dreading the 8:00 hour and the vice presidential debates. a whole lot of blab that leads to nothing.

i know there's a lot to be done here - a lot that a good government could address, that's for sure. i'll read a book like studs terkel's race or any one of jonathon kozol's poignant reports on the state of public education and i just want to scream. something should be done. this is the kind of stuff that makes my blood boil. all the injustice.

hmmm .... you know what would be fun to do? have a world team building day. remember on the first day of camp, or during a class retreat, they'd put you in groups and everyone would throw their hands in the middle and you'd have to untangle yourselves? the pretzel, yes. ok, so what if we had the whole world make a pretzel?

ok, fine. so that's a bad idea. this is why i will never be president of the united states.

but i suppose that's for the best. there's things about that job i don't think i could ever do. i mean, for one, i was tired of smiling within the first hour of my senior portrait sitting; i couldn't imagine doing it for four consecutive years.

so here's where i pose the question: would you or wouldn't you want to be president of the united states and why?

Monday, October 04, 2004

sweet sixteen

the evening is quiet at my quaint apartment. my gym-bound roommates have left me here to break a mental sweat, counting down the minutes till i head off to lincoln park's argo tea for a coffee with some girlfriends. i am savoring the silence, relishing just the click of the keyboard underneath my fingers.

no one knows i have this blog yet but erin, so i am reveling in the secrecy of my online expression. so i will tell a tale for all to read about a point in my life that left me overjoyed. grab a warm beverage and snuggle up for a story i hope you can feel ...

once upon a time, in a far away time (and told in the present tense because it's just better that way) ...

monday night, too late to be up, too giddy for sleeping ...

i unexpectedly find myself harboring feelings one might associate with a crush. i know nothing will come of it, but the sweetness of something so seemingly sixteen awoke senses i had thought fully dead. it was a tenderness my heart rejoiced to feel. it was as if god were more real in that moment than he has been all summer. i am one hundred percent sure it is completely unrequited - and yet, it doesn't matter. it's like the pure joy of feeling something i was positive could no longer exist is more than i could have ever asked for or imagined.

in time, i'll find that things go back to normal, that the butterflies will catch a new wind and float on to someone who will see those temporal teenager tickles turn into true love. because true love is not for me. not right now. i don't know what i would do with it. true love is sacred. and i feel incapable of doing any honor to it at this point. so, love, avoid me! i will not be any good to you. not yet.

i imagine - no, i hope - (and let me interject a warning here: what you are about to read is purely girlish fluff. it is of no use to the practical, the analytical, the sarcastic, or anyone hating love) that love isn't far off. i want the kind that i imagined could exist when i was a child, but progressively gave up on as i grew up. i want it in a way that's unique to me, that's designed by Him, that's desired by whomever is on the receiving end.

i don't know if it's possible. if it isn't, i'll learn. but for now, i'm just letting my fingers get pruny in the moment ...